How to choose a (discreet) mistress + tips for avoiding detection

Three years ago, in the wake of the Tiger Woods' scandal, I wrote this post titled "How to choose a mistress." If only General David Petraeus (and so many others) read my blog.

Now, as a public service to all married politicians, top military brass, celebrities, athletes, and CEOs (current and aspiring), I have updated the blog post, adding useful tips such as how to hide your private correspondence. Herewith, A Guide to Choosing a (Discreet) Mistress. (You're welcome.)

A Guide to Choosing a (Discreet) Mistress

1. Avoid women who seem way too eager to get in your pants (or vice versa) -- especially those who show or offer you their panties (see "Monica Lewinsky"), want to videotape you for posterity even though they have questionable video skills (see "Rielle Hunter"), or write a biography of you even though they have never written a book before (see "Paula Broadwell").

2. Never have sex with a woman who has been on a reality show, who wants to be on a reality show, or for whom reality shows are considered "must-see" TV.

3. Similarly, steer clear of name droppers, celebrity seekers, and star f_ckers, or anyone who has ever dated a celebrity, professional athlete, famous figure, or titan of industry, especially if she has dated more than one of these (or claims to have).

4. Do not have sexual relations with women who are your direct reports or who stand to gain or lose position or salary from getting it on with you (unless you are David Letterman).

5. Do not mess around with your wife's best friend, sister, or that neighbor she's always chatting with -- unless you want a really messy and expensive divorce. And for God's sake, man, do not screw the nanny, au pair, or babysitter. (That is so cliche.)

6. Make sure your ho is not on any prescription medication -- or should be.

7. Avoid single women and/or married women who are looking for an escape goat.

8. Steer clear of women who are always texting or posting shit on Facebook or Twitter. (What exactly is it you think they are texting or tweeting all their friends, stock market tips?)

9. Above all, avoid the jealous type. (See Fatal Attraction.)

Other helpful hints:

* Always wear a condom -- and make sure she's on the pill.

* Never leave a paper or electronic trail. Sharing a Gmail account and leaving drafts for each other? So five years ago. (Here's how to properly hide or keep private private correspondence, which was sent to me by the spouse. Hmm...)

* Do no flirt with another woman in your mistress's presence or with someone she might possibly know -- and for God's sake don't cheat on your mistress. (A woman scorned....)

* Don't cheat in the first place.