Henrik Stenson apparently has both the balls AND the wood to win a major

THIS JUST IN: HENRIK STENSON WINS THE PLAYERS -- FULLY CLOTHED!!!

Apparently Henrik Stenson has both the balls and the wood to win a major, as he did, decisively, yesterday (Sunday). With a bogey-free round of six under 66, putting him four shots ahead of the pack, the fully-clothed Stenson won THE PLAYERS Championship, making him the first Swede to do so.

As you all may recall, from the March CA Championship (formerly known as The Doral Open), Stenson stripped down to his skivvies in order not to muddy his clothes after hitting his golf ball into a bog on the 12th -- and scored a three under 69 for the round. However, fully attired, his play suffered. Indeed, despite some masterful strokes at this year's Masters, Stenson quickly faded from the leaderboard.

But now I am happy to say, Mr. Stenson has nicely recovered -- and has an autographed pair of Tiger Woods's Nike compression shorts to boot.

For more about Stenson's win and a brief wrap-up of THE PLAYERS, click here.

Mother's Day Gift Ideas She'll Really Appreciate

Tired of giving mom the same old gifts for Mother's Day? This year, forget the flowers, the picture frames, and the gift cards and try one of these four J-TWO-O approved Mother's Day gifts. (Sorry Mom, I bought your Amazon.com gift card before I wrote this post. Maybe next year.)

First up, from Stupid.com, Understand Your Mother Instantly Breath Spray, a gift both you and your mother will appreciate (or not):

"Sometimes it seems like mothers speak a different language. At any given moment, it's hard to tell what they're saying or what they want. [Ain't that the truth.]

"Well, thanks to modern science and vivid imaginations, you can now instantly understand your Mom. All you need is this Understand Your Mother Instantly Breath Spray!

"Imagine: Your mother is muttering something that sounds like, 'Dear, please wear that blue dress I bought you.' Naturally, this makes no sense to you. But after you take a toke of the Understand Your Mother Spray, you'll realize what Mom just said: 'Dear, put on that dress that makes you seem dumpy and unattractive so I don't have to worry about you getting picked up by some playboy who will probably get you pregnant and leave you stranded in a bus station in Wichita Falls, Texas.'

"How does the spray work? Well, we really don't know. Perhaps the peppermint flavor activates special receptors inside your brain. Or maybe it works because you want it to work. It really doesn't matter... anything that may help you understand your mother is worth a try."
















Next up, how about a personalized video featuring Mom as 2009 Mother of the Year?

Just go to http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/index2.html?p= and enter Mom's name and email address as directed to create your own personal Mother of the Year card, brought to you by Moms Rising: Breadmakers and Breadwinners.

(Btw, if for some reason that first link/URL doesn't work, click on the "Moms Rising" link above and follow the instructions at the top of the MomsRising.org Home page.)

For the mom who is in control, or who'd like to be, I highly recommend the "Control Your Man" talking remote.


















The Control Your Man Remote features 18 sayings including the following:

• "The Queen speaketh!"
• "Time to listen!"
• "What about my needs?"
• "What were you thinking?"
• "Whoa, ever hear of foreplay?"
• "Kiss me, you fool!"
• "Just tell me you love me!"
• & more!

Lastly, for the mom who's a real cut-up or likes to cook...

How about a five-piece stainless-steel knife set with unique holder?

Want more unique Mother's Day gift ideas? Check out Baron Bob's.

Wishing all you mothers a very happy Mother's Day...

Why is the TODAY show so obsessed with sex and violence?

Or maybe I missed the memo about semi-nude photos of semi-celebrities, killer moms, and how to get killer abs being hard-hitting news.

Seriously, what is TODAY's obsession with Miss California, Carrie Prejean? Did you really need to feature her AGAIN, and in the first hour this morning? I know, I know, the possibility of Miss California losing her crown for supposedly setting a bad example for America's young women by posing semi-nude when she was 17 is big news. But if you're going to cover (or uncover) Miss California and pageants in a.m. prime time, what about discussing the bad example the Miss California pageant set by paying for Carrie Prejean to get breast implants weeks before the Miss USA pageant?

And while I applaud TODAY for discussing teen pregnancy, was Bristol Palin really the best you could do? (For more about this, check out Gail Collins's extremely funny Op-Ed, "Bristol Palin's New Gig," in today's NYT.) Btw, TODAY's intro showing a very pregnant Bristol and teens making out with the hard pumping music in the background was totally worthy of E! or Access Hollywood or TMZ. And, oh yeah, I totally agree, Todd Palin is the perfect guy to discuss abstinence and setting a good example. Not. (And speaking of Todd, does Bristol's ex, Levi Johnston, look just like a younger Todd or what?)

And while I could, I won't go into TODAY's incessant coverage of serial killers, killer moms, and how to get killer abs. But what gives? Did corporate send out a memo telling the producers to go out and find the seamiest, silliest, or saddest stories they could or not come back?

I like Meredith Vieira, but I hate how seemingly since her arrival TODAY, which used to be my favorite morning news show, has turned into just another early morning gossip fest -- where even the gossip is stale.

American Idol rocks out... Plus: I've been tagged by Mattress Police

Another Tuesday night, another hour wasted (?) watching American Idol. Tonight's theme, as you probably guessed from the title of this post, is rock, though it would have been far more interesting/appropriate if the Idol contestants had to sing Latin songs, in honor of Cinco de Mayo. (Let's just hope that despite not having a "proper run through," the performances are not stinkos de mayo.)

Tonight's guest "mentor," Slash (nee Saul Hudson) from Guns N'Roses.

Rock on, Idol dudes!

First up, Adam Lambert, singing Led Zeppelin:

I know you all got a "Whole Lotta Love" for Adam, and it's about effin' time he officially sang some Zeppelin. Except for J-THREE-O freaking out over Adam's hair, which is kinda weird tonight, I quite enjoyed Adam's performance. In a word: BRILLIANT. (You Adam lovers happy now? Good. But wtf is Kara wearing? Simon gonna walk her after the show?)

Next up, Allison Iraheta singing some Janis Joplin:

OMG. Is Allison channeling Elivra?! Seriously, girl, you got amazing pipes, but lousy taste in hair dressers. Fortunately, she is making me "Cry Baby" tears of joy. Another rocktastic performance. (I have no idea what Randy and Kara were talking about. We're voting for Allison.)

And now, Kris Allen and Danny Gokey... together...

and I've got to say, I'm liking this duet thing, though I've always liked "Renegade." Good song choice for these guys. And I'm with Randy that the harmonies were the bomb. But for the record, I thought Danny did a MUCH better job than Kris, who seemed a bit overwhelmed.

Followed by Kris singing solo...

Okay, who wouldn't be intimidated by Slash playing guitar next to him? But oh... my... God. John Lennon must be rolling over in his grave (or weeping in Heaven). That just didn't "Come Together" for me, and I 100% agree with Kara (eek) and Simon (though I like eating ice) that it was not a good performance. Paging Carly Smithson.

Next: Danny sings "Dream On"...

Will he get the scream? Will he? Will he? Feh. To quote the spouse, "This just isn't working for me." Danny just doesn't have the raw sexuality or vocal chords to bring off the Aerosmith classic. And that scream. Ouch. As J-THREE-O noted, "He's going to have laryngitis in the morning." Yup. NEXT.

And we conclude tonight's American Idol with those two hairy canaries, Adam and Allison, singing Fog Hat's "Slow Ride."

Well, at least their hair is coordinated. Not bad. Not bad, dawgs. In fact, I actually thought they sounded pretty good together. And I agree with Randy, they should record a duet together -- and with Simon that Adam may have just saved Allison. I hope so. (Sorry VB, but Kris has got to go.)

Tomorrow on Idol: Chris Daughtry, No Doubt, and... Paula Abdul. Yesssss.

*******
AMERICAN IDOL UPDATE 5/7/09: As many predicted, the red-headed troll doll (aka Allison Iraheta) is gone. I actually thought, based on everyone's performances last night, that she deserved to stay another week, but Kris has the backing of the powerful cougar lobby and was safe -- and I doubt Danny, despite his bad performance, was going to kicked. (No way Adam was going home after rockin' the Zep.)
*******

And on a personal note... On Monday I was tagged by blogger Rob "Diesel" Kroese on his blog, Mattress Police. Diesel, who in addition to running Mattress Police runs the site Humor Blogs and by day develops software for Google, has commented on J-TWO-O a couple of times, so I proposed a link exchange. But, instead of giving me a permanent link, he tagged me, in his "Retarded Meme" post, his ultimate quest to become the number one retarded site on the Internet. *Sigh.*

I have mixed feelings about the words retarded and retard, as they can and are often used in a derogatory (i.e., mean and/or demeaning) fashion. And we all know it's not nice to make fun of people who have disabilities, or, in PC language, are "challenged." That said, I did laugh when I saw this poster:


















Anyway, if I want to get a link on Mattress Police, which, when not being retarded, can be quite funny (and gets a lot of traffic), I need to follow The Rules, which are, and I quote:

1. You must write a post using the word retarded. [Check.] I don't care what it's about -- Joe Biden, teenage boys wearing girls' pants, whatever.
2. The word retarded must be a link to this post. [Check.]
3. You are encouraged to tag five other bloggers -- [that would be you, Betty Cracker, and you, TommyMac, and you, Dave S., and you, Marindenver, and you, Mr. Del Franco] -- to do the same. [Check.]

And with that, I bid you adios amigos.

Really, is anyone suprised...

that professional athletes (cough*Alex Rodriguez*cough) take steroids, even after they've denied it?

when politicians are caught cheating on their wives (cough*Elliot Spitzer*cough*Silvio Berlusconi*cough*John Edwards*cough*Newt Gingrich*cough)? (There are plenty more names I could add to that list, but I barely have breath and Robitussin left as it is.)

to learn that Victoria's Secret models have fake boobs (excuse me, surgically enhanced breasts)?

that the media exaggerates and manipulates the news for ratings (cough*swine flu*cough) or is biased (cough*Fox News*cough)?

that Kirstie Alley gained back all the weight she lost on Jenny Craig -- and swears she will lose it again?

If so, wake up, people! Stop being so naive!

Oh, and have a nice day. : )

My old Kentucky (Derby) post or What were the odds of that happening?

Actually 50 - 1. Those were the odds on horse No. 8, Mine That Bird, in yesterday's 135th running of the Kentucky Derby. The horse, ridden by jockey Calvin "Bo-Rail" Borel, came from behind, along the inner rail, to win the Derby by 6 3/4 lengths, the second biggest upset in Derby history.

In case you missed it (which, at just over 2 minutes, was easy to do), here's a clip of the amazing race:

Breaking sports news video. MLB, NFL, NBA, NHL highlights and more.

Btw, had you placed a $2 bet on the three-year-old colt, whose name is being to changed to Mine That Gold, you would have won $103.20. And had you placed $2 on the 2009 Kentucky Derby Trifecta of 8-16-2, you would have been paid $41,500.60. That same $2 on the Superfecta of 8-16-2-7? A whopping $557,006.40.

Hmmm... Maybe I should horse around more often.

UPDATED: If you like horse racing, or just horses, or just a really great inspirational story, read Seabiscuit: An American Legend. Forget the movie. Just read the book. One of the best I've ever read, and that's saying a lot, especially as I am not a horsewoman (though I've been known to get a little hoarse from screaming at sporting events).

Nice pair (plus an "amazing" short video)

Photo (c) J-TWO-O

Don't they look luscious? Mm mm.

What? You were expecting something else?

Well, I promised you something "amazing," and here it is: a clip I happened upon this week of my new favorite comedian, Louis C. K., on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, talking about how everything is amazing (i.e., we have all this great technology that was invented to make our lives easier and better, which didn't or barely existed not that long ago), yet no one seems happy.



Btw, if you liked this clip and want to see more, go to YouTube and do a search for "Louis C. K."

I will now, in honor of May Day, dance around a pole and worship Flora.