ShamWow? More like ShamWoe.

Go on, admit it: if you did not immediately order the ShamWow after seeing the infomercial ("Rated #1 Infomercial by CNBC!"), you thought about it.



In fact, you're probably thinking about ordering some ShamWows right about now. (Only $19.99, plus shipping and handling! Don't delay!)

But be warned late-night TV shoppers: While you may indeed say WOW! when you first use your neon orange chamois cloths, you'll be having sham woes after you wash them. Sure, technically, they are machine washable, but what comes out of the washer and dryer is just a woeful version of the original. Don't believe me? I give you, Exhibit A:

Makes me want to take a Ginsu knife to the thing and slice it to shreds.



UPDATED 2:00 P.M.: Just in time for Super Bowl Sunday, the Terrible ShamWow! Click on the link to see a picture. Pretty funny.

The J-TWO-O Not-So Super Bowl XLIII Blog Post -- with the Skivvies on All the Action

This was going to be the Super Bowl Thong Report, until I discovered there is NO SUCH THING as an Arizona Cardinals thong. What kind of self-respecting National Football League team does not have an official NFL thong?! What's wrong with you people in Arizona?

I Googled and searched and Googled, and all I came up with was a lame-looking bikini and these really lame boxers. Feh.

And here I was all set to root for the Cardinals and Quarterback Kurt Warner. (I love you, man! The Giants should have kept you!) But now... Dunno.

On the other hand (or insert appropriate body part here), you have the Pittsburgh Steelers. Now that's a team that understands the importance of having an official NFL thong -- as well as a good offense and defense. Though the Cardinals' offense isn't too shabby either. Should be a good, or at least an okay, match-up. That is, if you care. And I'm not sure that I do, as both my beloved Giants and Jets will not be playing.

From what I've read and heard, the odds are in the Pittsburgh Steelers' favor. Sorry Arizona. Though, hey, you never know. If Big Ben, aka Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, gets hit or is otherwise injured and has to be removed from the game (i.e., is carted off the field again), that could do some serious damage to Pittsburgh's chances of winning. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Of course, I doubt that Super Bowl XLIII will even come close to the excitement that was Super Bowl XLII, otherwise known as THE BEST SUPER BOWL EVER (except to New England Patriots fans). Not even the commercials will be as good. (And last year's weren't even that good.) But the spouse and I will still probably watch (February 1 at 6 p.m. ET on NBC), because a) it's the last football game of the 2008-2009 season; b) we have nothing better to do; c) it's an excuse to drink beer; d) the spouse thinks Faith Hill is hot.

And speaking of Super Bowl ads and hot women, check out this Super Bowl ad from PETA, which NBC actually banned for being too sexy. Bet you guys will want to eat your veggies now. ; )


'Veggie Love': PETA's Banned Super Bowl Ad

(I was going to close with "may the best team win," but the best teams didn't even make it to the finals this year. Pathetic. Oh, and next year, the NFL should wait until after the playoffs to award the MVP. Unless by "MVP" they mean Most Valuable Pitchman. In which case Peyton Manning deserved the award.)

So who will play Rod Blagojevich in the made-for-TV movie?

I think you will agree with me that there is only one actor who has the over-the-top personality and the hair to play Rod Blagojevich. And that man is... No, not Rod Blagojevich, despite what he told "Access Hollywood." It's Tom Cruise. To quote from Risky Business, "This man could use a guy like Tom."

Think about it, who else could possibly combine the stoic heroism of Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Jefferson Smith with a soupçon of psychopathic charm? Only Tom Cruise.

And, in another bit of casting genius, I think the producers should get Tom Cruise's wife, actress Katie Holmes, to play Blago's wife, Patti Blagojevich. Heck, why not throw in Suri Cruise to play Blago's younger daughter, Anne? (Though Suri may be a bit young to play the part and not interested in pursuing the family business.)

Lights! Camera! Impeachment!

Rabbit Is Dead. John Updike dies, but his work lives on.

According to news reports, Pulitzer Prize-winning author and writer John Updike died today of lung cancer, in a hospice near his home in Beverly Farms, Massachusetts. One of our most prolific writers, having penned (or, more likely, typed) dozens of novels (including the Rabbit series and The Witches of Eastwick), short stories, essays, and poems, perhaps Mr. Updike simply ran out of wind.

In any case, his death is already being mourned in literary circles, rippling out into the mainstream media and beyond.

I personally could never get through any of Updike's novels, though I tried reading several over the years. There was just something about his style that I found... difficult. Though I don't think it had anything to do with his treatment of women. (He had periodically been accused of being anti-feminist by various critics.)

Still, it is a sad day when a great writer dies, though his work will live on.

To read more about John Updike's life and work, I offer links to these two obits, this one from The New York Times, and this other one from Salon. (If neither appeal, just Google "John Updike" to bring up hundreds of others, one of which, perhaps, will be more to your liking.)

And as we remember John Updike, let us also remember his famous quote from Rabbit Is Rich, "The great thing about the dead, they make space."

So here's to making space -- for the next generation of great writers, both the already discovered and undiscovered.

Rest in peace, Mr. Updike. Rabbit is no more.

J-TWO-O: A deliciously refreshing blog and fruit drink! PLUS: Blago, Gillibrand, Thain, and high fives for Obama!

Imagine my surprise the other day when I Googled "J-TWO-O," to see what other blogs or sites may have picked up on my latest musings, and discovered that not only am I a deliciously refreshing blog, but I am also a deliciously refreshing (and exotic) fruit drink!

Indeed, according to Britvic, the maker of J2O the deliciously refreshing fruit drink (as opposed to J-TWO-O the deliciously refreshing blog, which I manufacture):

• Seven bottles of J20 are sold every second (I assume in the UK, which is the main market for J2O the beverage, though apparently it is also sold in Chicago); and
  
• J20 is now the second biggest bottled drink sold in pubs after Budweiser (Budweiser?! Come on you Brits! Even Foster's has better drinkability than Bud.)
  

Sigh. If only seven people read this blog every second -- or this blog was the second biggest after the Huffington Post, the number one blog in terms of traffic or ranking on Technorati (which, btw, is a sham -- Technorati, not the Huffington Post, which I think is great. And Arianna, if you are reading this, email me! I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to write or blog for the Huffington Post!)

I have to admit, while I love a good exotic fruit drink (particularly one made with mango, while relaxing on a warm beach with a good book), I am a wee bit disappointed that I am not the only J-TWO-O out there. (Hmm... I wonder if Britvic would come after me if I started using that bottle as my icon...) Well, I guess it's not as bad as being one of 27 Jennifers, which, btw, is a great song, which you should listen to. Now.


And in the news and on the 'Net today: Coming to a city near you, the Rod "Cuckoo" Blagojevich Media Tour, including an interview with Amy Robach on Today (where he compares himself to Nelson Mandela, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, Jr.) and a turn on The View (this morning, because Whoopi Goldberg seemed more sympathetic than those mean state senators in Illinois)! Hey kids, it's way more fun than attending your own impeachment trial.... And how about newly appointed New York Senator Kirsten "I [heart] David Paterson!" Gillibrand?! I cannot believe NO ONE commented on her planting a big wet kiss on the NY Gov last week after she accepted the appointment! And this just in: Did you hear that former Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain is repaying the $1.2 million he spent to redecorate his office? Now you have! Lastly, if you have not seen this great video titled "High-Five Inauguration" do so now:

HIGH-FIVE INAUGURATION! - watch more funny videos

Well, that's it for me for today. Back to work...

Thank you for last night, Mike Birbiglia. You were awesome.

That gal (or was it a guy?) who said you were "pudgy and awkward"? Well, maybe you are, a little, but I found it kinda cute -- and sexy. You were... what's the word... masterful. I'm so glad I came.

Oh, and dinner at the Double Crown? It was amazing. Absolutely delicious. So unusual. Beautiful room, and the service was great. Great choice, honey.

And Mike Birbiglia, if you are reading this, and there's a good chance you are as you said you always Google yourself and have a Google Alert, I loved the show. And boy am I glad my husband doesn't sleepwalk -- and that we both didn't have nightmares about flying jackals or bears last night. Thanks a lot. Oh, and we both hope that malignant tumor didn't come back and that you don't go through any more windows. (But really, folks, I promise you, Mike's show will have you laughing so hard you'll cry. Swear.)

People reading this blog post, especially if you are in the greater New York City area (or will be in the next few weeks) and appreciate funny, smart monologues, go see Mike Birbiglia in "Sleepwalk with Me" at the Bleecker Street Theatre -- and have dinner at the Double Crown at 316 Bowery beforehand (or after).

Oh and Mike Birbiglia, if you are reading this, and wondering who the heck I am, or, you know, want to leave a comment thanking me for coming to your show and recommending it to my friends/readers, like you asked, I was the cute little brunette with the blue-green eyes at the end of Row E, in the black jacket and black turtleneck. ; )

I know! You're welcome.

Apparently the "C" in CNBC stands for "Cannabis"...

at least according to CNBC crack reporter Bob Pisani.

Yesterday, when asked by the lovely Trish Regan what he thought of the proposed Pfizer - Wyeth merger, Pisani said, "to heck with the pharmaceuticals. What the market needs now is medicinal marijuana. That's what we need right now. We need a bong break. The whole country needs a bong break."

You can inhale it all right here, dudes and dudettes.


CNBC: The Whole Country Needs A Bong Break from AlleyInsider on Vimeo.

In the words of Jeff Spicoli: "Awesome! Totally awesome! All right, Pisani!"