And now a word about titillating journalism

I believe in keeping abreast of the news, but keeping breasts in the news? Not so much.

Look, I get it. Traditional evening network and local news shows have been losing viewers for years -- and news stations are under tremendous pressure to deliver eyeballs. But has it really come to this, ABC News? "At 'Breastaurants,' Business Is Booming. While many restaurant chains are struggling, Twin Peaks, Tilted Kilt and others are thriving."

Breastaurants? Really?



Wow, that must be really hard, guys -- researching and covering titty bars, excuse me, sports bars, like Twin Peaks (don't worry friends, sexism and misogyny are alive and well in America!), which are giving chains like Hooters some stiff competition.

Interviewing all those, uh, well-rounded females, about what keeps guys coming... back for more must be really hard work.

And OMG, did he just say "ample portions"?! (Excuse me while I bang my head against my desk. So, how'd that woman's lib thing work out for you ladies?)

Oh, and nice camera work, guys. I'm sure the audience was paying very close attention to those revenue numbers you were reciting against that backdrop of cleavage.

Poor Hooters. (Excuse me while I shed a tear.) How can it possibly keep up with the nubile competition when its "sales" are "sagging" and "flat"?

Duh! By becoming a family restaurant! Of course! It's so obvious. What woman wouldn't want to go out to eat with her husband and impressionable children at a titty, excuse me, sports bar?! (But J., you are saying, they have kids menus!)

Oh yeah, Nirav Patel, owner of the Hoboken Tilted Kilt, I am sure that what keeps customers coming is your... food.

Thank you nameless restaurant expert for keeping it real: "It's not about the wings, it's about the breasts."

And thank you, Nightline, for restoring my faith in journalism. Not. (Somewhere Ted Koppel is weeping.)

My Little Exploding Pony

I'm all for erring on the side of caution but... really?!

So, yesterday, authorities in Orange County, Florida, found a little stuffed pony outside the Waterbridge Elementary School. And, of course, their reaction was... to blow it up. (Maybe the authorities thought it was a Trojan horse?)

And why did the authorities decide to blow up the little stuffed horse? Because apparently a seemingly abandoned stuffed toy on the grounds of an elementary school constitutes a "suspicious device."

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[I am not a fan of gratuitous violence, but I nearly fell off my chair laughing watching that poor little stuffed pony being blown up again and again and again. Mea culpa.]

Afterward, the authorities declared the erstwhile stuffed pony to be "non-threatening." Though I wouldn't want to be the one to tell the poor kid who owned the little pony that someone blew up her beloved stuff pet.

The moral of this blog post? Don't look a gift horse blog post in the mouth!

UPDATED: I just heard that it was a "concerned citizen" [i.e., someone who probably shouldn't have had all those tequilas Monday night] who spotted the "suspicious device" [aka the stuffed pony] at the elementary school and alerted the bomb squad. Also, found this great raw video of the pony bein' 'sploded from a variety of angles. AWESOME.

Flying pasties, racing snails, and why you should never argue with an ibex

In this week's chapter of News of the Weird, J-TWO-O brings you the latest must-have item for frequent flyers (particularly if they happen to be in the adult film industry, Vegas showgirls, or work for Hooters), flying pasties; the results from the World Snail Racing Championships in England; and why you should never argue with an ibex.

First up, Flying Pasties. But before proceeding, I have to admit I was a bit hesitant to blog about this subject, even though I have blogged about breasts (and things that cover them) on several occasions.

Maybe it's the word pasties, or it could be the voluptuous pastie-only clad model on FlyingPasties.com. But, heck, if that bastion of the Right, the Wall Street Journal, can write about Flying Pasties, gosh darn it, so can I!

In a (coco) nut shell: Flying Pasties are, and I quote, "meant to obscure your private parts when entering a typical airport scanner," thereby protecting your privacy.

You can learn more about these little rubber privacy protectors at FlyingPasties.com -- or via the WSJ article (which I linked to).

Btw, I love the quote from the "Pilots of America" on the site: "Ingenious." (I wonder what the airport scanners union has to say about them....)

Moving right along...

In the lettuce entertain you category: Last week the World Snail Racing Championships took place in England and around 200 snails slugged it out to win the honor of World's Fastest Snail.

Ready... set... escargot!

Snail Bonanza - World Snail Racing Championships from Rii Schroer on Vimeo.

Finally, this gem, courtesy of friend of the blog Larissa, on why you should never argue with an ibex:

Bon appetit and safe travels...

Would you like that booty call with or without fries?

Sure, I could have blogged about Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger getting suspended for six games. (Good call, Roger Goodell.) Or I could have blogged about the exotic new coffee from Indonesia and the Philippines that is literally good to the last drop(ping). Or I could have done a witty post about how volcanoes are a real pain in the ash.

But I didn't.

Instead I am blogging about booty call songs, specifically Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now," because we have ALL been there and done that (and by blogging about it maybe it will stop playing on my mental jukebox)...

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and Timbaland's "Carry Out," featuring Justin Timberlake (in the role of Tiger Woods), another current ear worm that will never have me looking at fast food in the same way again:



How come my iHop waitresses never look like that?