Au revoir

Going biking with the spouse... and the kid... in France for a few days.

Will be sort of like this... only with clothes... and far fewer people.

Will post some photos of chateaux upon my return.

I also have a big announcement to make.

Stay tuned... à bientôt!

Vagina rules

At the risk of unintentionally attracting the wrong sort to this blog (though it is probably way too late for that), I felt compelled to share this very funny video, made by the folks at Sir Richard's Condoms, titled "Vagina Rules," where women list things (people) that will never go in their vagina.

(Other than the use of the word vagina, this video is totally safe to watch at work or at home -- unless you have a problem with the mention of investment bankers or magicians.)



So, ladies, any of you have any "vagina rules"? Similarly, guys, are there any vaginas you would never go in? Leave a (G, PG, or PG-13-rated) Comment on the blog.

[H/T to blogger Amy Z. of I Could Cry But I Don't Have the Time, who led me to Sir Richard's --  and brilliantly refers to the company as "the Tom’s of condoms."]

Coming out as a Democrat

Love this ad/YouTube clip titled "Mom, Dad... I'm a Democrat," put out by a guy named Ryan Combe who has a really hot wife is running for Congress in Northern Utah.



But the ad made me wonder: If you live in a Red State and/or your parents are Republicans, is it worse to come out as gay or as a Democrat? (Judging by the YouTube comments, I'd say the latter.)

The dog days of summer

I like summer, and I am pretty heat tolerant. But 95 degrees, which feels like over 100 when you factor in the humidity, is just too darn hot. (Definitely way too hot to be sitting in an un-airconditioned gym for two hours watching your eighth grader graduate. At least the girls can wear sundresses; the boys have to wear jackets and long pants.)

So, to help you cool down, I have provided a handy visual aid.

Just imagine you are a dog... with no job other than to look adoringly at your humans... who have kindly provided you with this big thing of cool water to jump in, again and again and again...



Aaah... I could watch that Boxer dog jump into that pool all day. Wish I could jump in with him.

What you need to know in case of an alien invasion

Sure, you know what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse. But what if aliens invade?

Fortunately, I found this handy video, which doesn't so much as prepare you for an alien invasion  (short answer: we're f**ked) as much as clarify or "bust" certain alien invasion myths.

The good news: They don't want to eat us. (Though except for that guy in Miami, who would want to eat one of us? Have you seen us humans lately? Yuck.)

The bad news (for you sci-fi fan boys): No hot alien nookie action. (Though I think the scientists -- and SourceFed -- could be wrong here. Aliens could certainly try to have sex with us -- hey, we've all seen the movies -- or vice versa. It's just unlikely it would result in anything.)

A visit to Monet's Garden (in the Bronx)

I have been to France many times, but I have yet to make it to Giverny, to see artist Claude Monet's house and gardens. Until now. Sort of.

If you live in the New York City metro area, are visiting New York anytime soon, love Claude Monet's water lilies and flower paintings or just love beautiful gardens, you have to go visit Monet's Garden at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx. I have been wanting to visit Monet's Garden at the NYBG ever since it opened May 19, and I finally got my chance today. (I'll write that 1000-word article on women CIOs tomorrow.)

Here is a sample of some of the beautiful flowers you will see (if there aren't crowds of pushy senior citizens blocking your view).

Monet's Garden runs through October 21, 2012, and the flowers change with the season. I will definitely be back.

How to really impress a woman

I seem to always be writing about how guys think. So today, as a public service, I'm going to reveal how women think -- or, more precisely, what women think is sexy. Or, to put it into guy-speak, how to improve your chances of getting laid.

Herewith, J's Guide to How to Really Impress Women

1. Actually listen to what she is saying -- and prove it by making a thoughtful comment that shows you have been listening.

Warning: If she tells you about some awful or unfair thing that happened to her, or mentions that she is feeling blue, do NOT under any circumstances say shit like "Cheer up!" or "Relax!" or "Things will get better" or offer her advice. No. Your role is to give her a hug and say things like "That really sucks" or "That's totally unfair." Keep in mind: Women want sympathy NOT advice, even if they ask for it. Above all, do NOT tell her those jeans make her ass look big, even if she's begging for it. Make up an excuse and just leave the room.

2. Help out around the house -- or volunteer to (i.e., don't make her nag ask you). Just remember: No man was ever killed while washing the dishes... or doing the laundry... or vacuuming the living room.

3. Make dinner -- and clean it up. There are few things sexier than a guy who can cook -- well. (The only thing sexier than a guy who really knows how to cook, and cleans up afterward? A guy with an English or French accent who is a great cook, and cleans up afterward.) On one of my first dates with the spouse, then boyfriend, he invited me over to his Brooklyn loft -- and made me red snapper. I HATED red snapper, but when I saw all the food he had prepared and how hard he had worked, I said I loved red snapper and smiled as I forked that fish into my mouth. And you know what? It was pretty good. Also, for you guys who are paying attention, he scored. Q.E.D.

4. Do stuff she wants to do -- and don't whine about missing the occasional baseball/basketball/hockey/football game (unless it's the playoffs, in which case, I'm right there with you). I'm not talking about buying ballet tickets, unless you like ballet. I'm talking about finding out what she likes to do -- and then proposing you do that. Except for shopping. Unless you really like shopping for women's clothes (other than at Victoria's Secret), or are a masochist, do not go there. Trust me.

If you really like her (or want to get laid), you will find something you both like or you can tolerate. And if sports are really your passion, invite her to a game -- and be patient. Show and tell her why you are so passionate about the sport, taking the time to explain the various nuances, in a patient NOT patronizing way. But don't push it. If she's really not interested, drop it. While I was a big baseball fan when I met the spouse, I had little or no interest in basketball or football. But thanks to his careful tutelage -- and, okay, being in Chicago during Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls' heyday -- I became a rabid basketball fan. And when we moved back east, I became a big-time Giants and Jets football fan.

Note to women: Want to really impress a guy? Become a sports fan.

5. Don't brag, or show off, or name drop. Being confident is one thing. Women love confidence in a man. Being a name-dropping, brand-identifying braggart is another. Unless, that is, you are looking for a woman who only cares about the size of your paycheck, the label in your shirt, and your social status.

6. Groom thyself. While I know there are many women who are still into the whole grunge thing, and even I find a day or two day's growth kinda sexy on a man, no woman is going to want to sleep with you, or even get near you, if you smell, or have a nasty haircut, or look like the last time you got any exercise or saw the sun was in high school. I'm not saying you need to look like David Beckham. (Though really, feel free -- have you seen that man's abs? Niiiiiiiice). But if you want to really impress a woman, pay some attention to your personal hygiene and get a gym membership (or start running, or eat less crap). Also, would a little manscaping kill you?

7. Only have eyes for her. I know, I know, biology -- you caveman, need to procreate... God gave you eyes so you could look at women... looking isn't the same as touching. Can it. You really want to impress a woman when you are out? Do NOT look at other women. I do not care if Adriana Lima just sat at the table next to you. Keep your eyes front and center, mister (and not on her chest -- either Adriana Lima's or your date's/girlfriend's/wife's).

8. Prove that chivalry is not dead. Feminism shmeminism. Women like to have doors opened for them and chairs held out -- and be treated like a lady.

Okay, I think that's enough for one blog post. I don't want to overwhelm you guys.

Mother-daughter chats

There's nothing like a little mother-daughter chat to let your daughter know how much you care.

[Both conversations printed below actually took place. Only the names have been changed, to protect the embarrassed.]

*     *     *

Daughter: I just had a scary thought. Somewhere, out there, walking the earth, is my future husband.

Me: Think how scared he must be.

Daughter: Thanks mom.

*     *     *

Daughter (recounting her day at school): ... and then I helped S. sort out her love life. She's pretty upset.

Me: What's up?

Daughter: This boy told her he really likes her, but she doesn't like him -- at least not that way. But she still wants to be his friend.

Me: Did she tell him that?

Daughter: Yeah, but the problem is, they were going out and then they broke up, but she still talks to him and gives him hugs. [FYI, the individuals being discussed are eighth graders.]

Me: Well, there's the problem!

Daughter looks at me quizzically.

Me: Here's the deal. Guys, especially teenage guys, think with their penis. So even though she may have told him she wasn't interested in going out, the fact that she is still talking to him and hugging him sends a message to the penis that she secretly wants to have sex with him.

Daughter: Ew, that's gross, mom. I'm going upstairs to do my homework.

Daughter heads up the stairs.

Me (shouting): You're welcome!

Note: To read more motherly advice re the teenage male brain, see my post titled "Explaining boys to your daughter."

More fun Father's Day gift ideas!

Because does dad really need another tie, book, or golf-related item (except the one below)?

Btw, for those who think Father's Day is this Sunday, June 10, it's not. It's June 17.Which means you have over a week to buy him a cool present.

Moving right along.... Think how excited dad [either your dad or the father of your child] will be when he wakes up Father's Day morning to the smell of bacon... soap!

Want to get dad really fired up? Get him the iLaunch Rocket Launcher for iPhone. Here's the description from ThinkGeek:

The iLaunch Rocket Launcher is a missile launcher controlled by your iPhone, iPod Touch, or iPad. Licensed by Apple, this beauty will work with any device running iOS 5.0.1 or higher. After a quick charge and setup, you'll be able to strike fear into coworkers as far as 25 feet away. Claim more than 1400 square feet of your office by firing at will....

And to defend himself from alien -- or co-worker -- attacks, why not get dad this incredibly awesome Star Trek Electronic Door Chime, which boldly goes where no door chime has gone before.



Fascinating.

Next up: the Amazing Tiny Hammock, which, I have to say, is pretty amazing -- and only $14.95 from Stupid.com! The hammock comes in a handy carrying bag and can comfortably (?) fit a full-size adult. Perfect for camping trips -- or afternoon nap breaks at the office!

And for the dad who likes to practice his short game and multitask, I give you the Potty Putter. (Considering the amount of time most men spend on the can, with this gift, your dad or spouse should be a pro putter in no time!)

Finally, at the end of a long, hard day, dad can crack open a cold one with his Moose Head Bottle Opener.  (Hmm... I wonder if there is a matching Squirrel Bottle Opener. Now that would be awesome.)

Speaking of cracking open a cold one, why not get dad a subscription to the Microbrewed Beer of the Month Club while you are at it? And what goes better with nice, cold beer than a subscription to the Pizza of the Month Club or a Father's Day BBQ Gift Basket?

Okay, I believe my work here is done.

[To see past fun Father's Day gift suggestions, click here.]

World's greatest bartender?

Only in Ukraine would mixing drinks be considered a million-hryvnia-worthy talent.

Presenting Ukraine's own Alexander Shtifanov, the world's greatest bartender...



on Ukraine's equivalent of America's (or Britain's) Got Talent. For those who like their cocktails shaken, not stirred.

Wonder if the judges got to sample Shtifanov's talents....

(Hey, anyone else have the urge to down some vodka? No? Must be my Ukrainian roots. Just remember, it's always five o'clock in the Ukraine. Hа здоровье!)

18 Shades of J., Chapter 3: The shower scene

Every good love story needs a hot, steamy shower scene, don't you think?

And, I confess, I love getting in the shower and scrubbing away all that scum.

Yes, there are few things more satisfying than getting down on my knees, with my bottle of bubbles and a good... hard...

scrubbing brush...

(I'm sorry, were you expecting something else? Really, you people are incorrigible.)

And working up a lather.

Mmm... I feel tingly all over just thinking about it.

[To read previous installments of 18 Shades of J., click here.]

Do you need a stud?

Attention horny housewives, cougars, and single chicks looking for a big, strong, studly helping hand: Are you renovating or about to move? Tired of big, sweaty, unattractive movers handling your goods? Well take heart, ladies! Presenting 2 Young Studs Moving.

 Their slogan? "How many studs do you need?" (Though as the company's name is 2 Young Studs Moving, I'm thinking you better not need more than two -- or else you might get two studs and a bunch of big, fat, smelly dudes.)

Major hat tip to the spouse for spotting this truck in the pouring rain Saturday...

and giving hot pursuit so I could snap several photos.

(We tried to peer into the front, to see if the guys were studly, but we couldn't get a good look.)

Note to my studly male readers: Franchises are available!

[On a somewhat related note, ever since seeing this truck, I have had this song stuck in my head.]

1987 in music

Twenty-five years ago (OMG, it's been 25 years?!) The Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian" topped the Billboard 100.



Also quite popular, Jody Watley's "Looking for a New Love":



And there were those Jackson siblings, Michael Jackson, with "Bad"...



and Janet Jackson's "Control."
 
Madonna, Genesis, Bon Jovi, Peter Gabriel, and Huey Lewis and the News were also big that year, as were Tiffany and Debbie Gibson. (I am so ashamed.)

1987 was the year that gave us "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung and Bruce Willis singing "Respect Yourself." (Shudder.)

And you could not go to a frat party without hearing Billy Idol's "Mony Mony." ("I said yeah, YEAH, yeah, YEAH, yeah, YEAH, yeah, YEAH, yeah." Keg!)



Yup, hard to believe it's been 25 years.

Want to know what other songs topped the Billboard 100 in 1987? Click here. I need a beer.