Keeping abreast of women's health issues

In response to the flurry of comments regarding my "Hooters Air.... Oh wait, that airline went bust" line, which apparently titillated some of my (male) readers, and because this morning I had my annual mammogram (doc said my breasts looks great! I am assuming he meant that professionally), this post is dedicated to the care and maintenance of the female breast, surely something we all can agree should be lovingly and dutifully cared for, twice over.

I am not a big fan of going to the doctor, but every year, without fail, I go see my GYN and get a mammogram.

Ladies, if you are 40 or over, and especially if someone in your immediate family has or had breast cancer, you should have a mammogram every year -- and do a monthly self examination. Btw, if breast cancer runs in your family and one or more females found a lump pre-menopause, you should have a mammogram every year starting at age 35 or 10 years before that person's breast cancer was detected.

No excuses. A self exam is free -- and mammograms, which only take a few minutes and are not invasive, are covered by insurance. And if that isn't enough, it's always nice to hear a professional tell you, "Your breasts look great!"

And while I am on the subject of boobs and professionals: Today is opening day of Major League Baseball season! Gooo Mets! (Game, against the Florida Marlins, starts at 4:10 p.m. ET and Santana is pitching.)

ADDED 4/2: If you have not already done so, please read the comments as they contain important/helfpul information. And please share this blog post with a friend who could benefit from it!

The skies just got a littler friendlier (and sexier)

Don't know if any of you have heard about or seen the new Delta in-flight safety video, which has yet to be shown on an actual Delta flight. But it's garnered four stars and more than 345,000 hits (as of Wednesday afternoon) on YouTube.com. That's pretty impressive. Who knew there were so many safety-minded folks out there?

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for in-flight safety -- and getting my fellow passengers to turn off their phones and have their seats and tray tables in the upright and locked position for takeoffs and landings (as opposed to in my lap). But watching the video and hearing and reading the chatter about the sexy finger-wagging flight attendant (an "Angelina Jolie-like redhead," nicknamed "Deltalina," who looks like she had one too many collagen injections) featured in the video made me wonder if this wasn't the in-flight safety video for Hooters Air instead. (Oh wait, that airline went bust.)

Clearly, Delta has figured out that sex sells. Though technically selling sex is a class 1 misdemeanor -- and buying sex is a class B misdemeanor and can cost you your job. I am also pretty certain that Delta has no plans to open a chain of Mile High Clubs (though I could be wrong about that). Well, whatever gets you to buckle up and fly right. And if the new video just happens to increase bookings on the troubled carrier.... Well, who am I to fly in the face of capitalism?

This post is dedicated to my accountant, Ben

Why? Because Ben asked me to. (And because Stephen Colbert's people have yet to get back to me.) Said if I wrote about him, he'd read my blog, even though he is surrounded by (albeit very neat) piles of W-2s and 1099s and tax forms and has barely seen his wife and children for weeks.

So Ben, this post is for you, and for all the hard-working accountants out there who come March and April go from being Clark Kents to Supermen, fighting for truth, justice, and a tax refund.

Why do I like Ben? Let me count the ways.

1. There is that refund thing, though better to owe (assuming you are not paying quarterly estimates) or break even (if you do) than give the government an interest-free loan for 12 months, though we all know you cannot predict the future. Ben's good, but not that good.

2. Ben has a sense of humor, which I think is a good thing in an accountant. He always jokes and laughs as he charges me for asking him questions by phone and by email, telling me that he is worth every penny. (And he is!)

3. He takes me out for lunch (though I'm convinced I get charged on the back end) a couple times a year, which is always nice.

4. He thinks I'm funny (though that may cost extra).

5. He is very organized and meticulous, two qualities I admire greatly.

6. And did I mention he said he would read my blog if I wrote about him?

So here's to you, Ben, and to all the hard-working accountants out there, looking to help their clients save a few bucks come tax time. And when you get home tonight at midnight, pop open a nice cold one, kick back, and read this. After all, Ben, this blog's for you (at least for today).

I (heart) Stephen Colbert -- and (sort of) wrote this song to prove it

Honey, you know I love you, but, because I know confession is good for the soul, I have to confess, I have a little thing for Stephen Colbert of "The Colbert Report."

And so, with apologies to (and hopefully the permission of) lyricist Joseph McCarthy, composer Jimmy Monaco, Judy Garland and Clark Gable (who are all dead), and because I've grown a bit weary of commenting on politicians' sex lives and the campaign (though am very excited about Bill Richardson endorsing Barack Obama today), and baseball season doesn't start for a couple more weeks, I wrote this:

Dear Mr. Colbert,
I am writing this to you
and I hope that you will read it so you'll know
My heart beats like a hammer
and I stutter and I stammer
every time I see you on your Comedy Central show.
I guess I'm just another fan of yours
and I thought I'd write and tell you so - oh!

You made me love you
I didn't wanna do it, I didn't wanna do it.
You made me love you
and all the time you knew it, I guess you always knew it.
You made me happy, sometimes you made me glad.
But there were times, sir (like last night, when you were incredibly rude to Dr. Melanie Stiassny of the American Museum of Natural History), you made me feel so sad.

You made me sigh 'cause
I didn't wanna tell you, I didn't wanna tell you
I think you're grand, that's true
Yes I do, 'deed I do, you know I do.
I must tell you what I'm feeling
The very mention of your name (Stephen Colbert!)
sends my heart reeling.
You know you made me love you!

I don't care what happens,
let the whole world stop (though actually, that would be a really bad thing).
As far as I'm concerned, you'll always be the top (better than Jon Stewart, Lou Dobbs and Bill O'Reilly, though not Anderson Cooper, I think I have a thing for him, too),
'cause you know you made me love you.

I would also really like two tickets to see your show.

The credit crisis explained... Obama's speech

I had actually written a post sarcastically picking apart the difference between the Spitzer sex scandal and the Paterson sex scandal (fyi, in NY State, adultery is a class B misdemeanor, so technically they were both illegal) and why none of it really matters. But figuring (or hoping) that you, like me, had had enough with all the hype and hypocrisy decided to delete it and provide you with some news you could use.

So this morning I am sharing with you this most excellent article, written by the NYT's David Leonhardt, on how the current credit crisis came about. Read it and weep.

I also wanted to direct you to today's post by fellow blogger "Betty Cracker," on "American tribalism & why Obama will most likely lose PA." I know a lot has already been written about Obama's speech on racism, which he gave yesterday, and which greatly impressed me and apparently a lot of other folks. (OMG, a politician who can write a speech, and an eloquent, articulate one at that!) But Ms. Cracker's take is well worth a read.

What Would Shumer Do?

Today marks the fifth anniversary of my father's death -- and quite possibly the end of the firm he spent most of his adult life at, Bear Stearns. (Unlike my father, though, there is a chance that BSC will be resurrected.)

As I learned at my father's memorial service, Shumer had a favorite saying, "Bulls win. Bears win. Pigs lose." (I am equally fond of "When you board an aircraft, go to the left," though I myself have only flown first class a few times, and none of them with my father, and considering the current state of the market and my portfolio won't be doing so any time soon.)

Today -- and probably for a while to come now -- the "pigs" (whoever they are) are going to be squealing (or shakin' and bacon). Though all of the people I know or knew at BSC were not pigs, at least what I knew of them. Of course, my view or experience may be subjective, but I refuse to think ill of all those people on the trading floor (including "Ace" Greenberg) who literally embraced me every time I came to the office after my father died, who literally rushed over to see how I was doing, to share some fond memory of my father (who a colleague still refers to as "the Jewish leprechaun"), and ask if I needed help. They were there for me when many others were not. (Of course, I wish one of them had told me to sell what remains of my BSC stock when it was still in the 90s. ; )

None of us know how bad things will get. Hopefully we have or will soon hit bottom (for the mortgage crisis, the credit crisis, the dollar, and jobs) and things will slowly start to recover. But on this day, I cannot help but wonder, What would Shumer do? Even in the worst of times, my father had the amazing ability to stay calm and unemotional -- and not react rashly to even the most dire financial or personal news. Experience, he once told my spouse, had taught him well.

What would Shumer do? I wish to hell I knew. I could use some good advice.

ADDED 3/18: There are many articles and television reports available to those interested in Bear's fate (and those who hold shares or work there), but I thought this piece by "The Deal Professor" on the NYT's blog DealBook very informative, and a quick read.

You too can enjoy a rewarding career in prostitution!

So according to Columbia University sociology professor Sudhir Venkatesh, who did a segment on prostitution on "All Things Considered" this afternoon, many (if not most) high-priced prostitutes and/or call girls (the "models," "actresses," and "career women" who make in the thousands for services rendered, as opposed to the lowly hookers who make a mere $500 or $1000 an hour) are college educated, corporate refugees, typically from the suburbs, with families, who felt prostitution was a good career move. (Me, I became a freelance writer. What an idiot.)

Per Professor Venkatesh, these women were unable to get ahead in the corporate world. They either hit the proverbial glass ceiling or felt kept down or were barely getting by on five or low six-figure salaries. Then one day, it came to them. They discovered their true talent was providing "therapy" (his word, not mine) and "psychological counseling" (again, his term) to lonely and/or frustrated men. (Note to my male friends: next time you want some advice or need a little TLC, it will cost you $5000. Btw, my former -- female, fully clothed -- therapist charged me around $160 an hour, which in retrospect seems like quite the bargain.)

So I'm thinking to myself, I wonder where one goes to train for a rewarding career in prostitution, I mean, "psychological counseling," Katharine Gibbs? ("You want a career and not just a job, but you can't figure how to get ahead. It's simple, you can get started today! Gibbs can prepare you for an in-demand career in a variety of top industries. Gibbs grads are ready to start a career immediately after graduation. What's even better? Gibbs has nine convenient locations on the East coast from Boston to Virginia." Sounds good to me! Those alumnae get-togethers must be a blast.)

Tempting though it may be, however, I think I will stick with my current job, though I may raise my rates. ; )

THIS JUST IN... Some hard-hitting, investigative journalism on the subject, brought to you by the folks at the TODAY Show.

ADDED 3/14 at 4:20 p.m.: So the gov is disgraced and out of a job -- and "Kristen" finds "overnight success." Per Village Voice culture critic Michael Musto, who was quoted in the article, "A prostitute knows how to sell herself," and apparently turn tragedy into fame and fortune. Yet another reason to train for this exciting profession!