Father's Day Gifts He'll Really Appreciate

Father's Day is June 21st this year, and if you haven't already gotten dad a gift, allow me to suggest the following....

Cheers to Dad!

Dad like beer? If so, give him a subscription to the Beer of the Month Club. It's a gift that will keep on giving (or at least for 11 more months). And we're not talking your basic Bud or mass-produced Miller, my friends. Oh no. Each month, dad will receive a carefully selected, highly delicious, hand-crafted microbrew, delivered right to his door. And if you're real nice to him, he just might share.

Oh Captain My Captain

Allow dad to boldly go where few Star Trek fans have gone before with this official replica Star Trek Classic Captain Kirk Chair. (Note: Blonde babe not included.)

Per the manufacturer: "This full-size recreation of the U.S.S. Enterprise's captain's chair is designed from detailed drawings supplied by Paramount Studios and is approved by Paramount. It delivers all the accents and details from the historic prop, along with modern lighting, sound effects, and phrases designed to thrill any Star Trek enthusiast!

"The unbelievable chair measures 41-inches tall x 42-inches wide x 39-inches deep. It weighs about 215 pounds! The working swivel seat with wooden handles, leather seat cover, and armrest controls make this the perfect addition to any collection, display, home theater, or museum!"

You can beam one up by clicking on the link above.

(Note: If the captain's chair is a bit beyond your pay grade, a Star Trek Phaser from ThinkGeek.com also makes a stunning gift, at an eighth the price.)

For the Guy Who Likes to Be in Control

Introducing the Control-Your-Woman Talking Remote, from a company called "Perfect Solutions." (You wish.) I'll just let the product description speak for itself:

"Why waste precious time and energy trying to control the thoughts and actions of your significant other when you can automate the process? Let our talking remote controllers do it for you. Heard all you can bear to hear? Just push a button. Need an instant attitude adjustment? Just push a button! Wanna turn up the romance? Just push a button!

"Each controller delivers 18 hilarious verbal one-offs and accompanying sound effects sure to put your guy or gal on the right track while ensuring your right of self expression! Who knew controlling your mate could be as easy and entertaining as surfing the channels?!"

If only....

Last, but not least...

For the Dad Who Could Use a Little Help in the Grooming Department

Introducing the ManGroomer Private Body Shaver, for below-the-neck grooming. 'Nuff said. (Though, is it just me, or does the ManGroomer bare a striking resemblance to the FURminator?)

And for the man with a permanent hair shirt, there is the ManGroomer Electric Back Hair Shaver, which also makes a nice gift -- for him and for her.

With these personal grooming products, dad will be a smooth customer in no time. (H/T to Amy of i could cry but I don't have time, who called this to my attention. Seriously, what did we do before Bed Bath & Beyond?)

UPDATED 6/11/09: For the Dad Who's a Steak-Lovin' Cowboy at Heart, or to make sure no one (except maybe mom) messes with dad's meat, how about a personalized steak brand? Talk about a gift that sizzles. You can buy brands with his initials, the word "Dad," his favorite team, or even his political party.

Wishing you and your dad a happy Father's Day....

Rain. Again? Really? Just shoot me.

I cannot believe it is raining. Again. Make that pouring. Enough already. If I wanted to live in a rainy climate, I would have moved to Seattle. At least in Seattle there's good coffee and gelato.

I wouldn't mind so much about the rain, but the sudden change in barometric pressure has brought on yet another migraine, and the pain is unbearable. It's so bad, I can't even joke about it -- or anything else.

So, sorry for the lame blog post. I'm heading back to bed, after I go throw up.

Horse racing has gone to the Birds

First Mine that Bird comes from seemingly out of nowhere to win this year's Kentucky Derby.

Then that bird -- okay, filly -- Rachel Alexandra upstages the boys to win the Preakness Stakes.

Now another bird, Summer Bird, Mine that Bird's half brother, ridden by jockey Kent Desormeaux, has won the third leg of the Triple Crown, the 141st running of the Belmont Stakes.

Great race, though I missed Rachel Alexandra, whose owner decided not to run her in the Belmont.

In case you missed the 2 1/2-minute race, here's the video:



You can also read about the race in this New York Daily News article.

Reason No. 17 why you need a riding mower

Because you never know when you'll need to make a beer run with a buddy.

According to authorities in Maine, a 51-year-old man from Vassalboro, apparently in need of libation, took off with a neighbor on a beer run. On his lawn mower.

The man, who had recently had his driver's license revoked, was spotted driving erratically by several eagle-eyed passers by and the authorities were duly notified.

The cops eventually caught up with the lawn mower riding duo at a local liquor store, where the neighbor was emerging with two cases of beer. (No word on which brand.) The driver of the mower was charged with "operating under the influence."

No word as to how the two got home or what happened to the two cases of beer.

My Tipper Gore Moment: Is it OK to let my 11-year-old daughter listen to Top 40 radio?

Seriously, you cannot turn on any Top 40 or rock FM station these days without hearing at least one song in the span of 10 minutes that doesn't have raunchy or sexually explicit lyrics. Go on, I dare you, try it. It's gotten to the point, said my neighbor, G., to me this morning, after asking me if I had heard the song "Birthday Sex," (I had not) which she said is played seemingly every 10 minutes on one station or another, that she doesn't want to turn on the radio when the kids are around. And I have to kind of agree with her.

Some background: Until relatively recently, or so it seemed, my daughter had no interest in pop or really any other kind of "adult" music. Indeed, for a while we thought we would never be able to listen to anything other than Raffi or The Mother Goose Jazz Band or Singin' in the Bathtub or that Arthur CD or something other than Sesame Street in our cars. Then, some time last summer, everything changed. Suddenly, our 10-year-old was singing Top 40 songs and asking for an iPod for Hanukkah. And -- gasp! -- she actually started asking me to... turn on the radio when we drove together.

I was initially thrilled, especially as we tended to like the same music. Suddenly I could once again listen to my iPod and to WPLJ and z100 and WBLI and most of my other pre-programmed radio stations without a little voice in the back chirping "Mom, could you turn off the radio, PLEASE?!" (Hey, at least she said "please.")

Then, one day, while listening to the Black Eyed Peas' song "Hey Mama" on my iPod with my daughter bopping to the beat in the back seat, I had my first Tipper Gore moment*: Will.I.Am just said WHAT?! OMG, and he just said it, like, seven more times.

"Um, sweetie, let's change the song, OK?" I called out to the back seat. "Why mom?" asked the cherubic voice behind me. And so, I told her. And I told her why it wasn't appropriate for her -- and us -- to listen to. And she agreed.

And we were good -- until my (and her) infatuation with Britney Spears, specifically with the Britney song "If You Seek Amy," the chorus of which contains a naughty pun according to some listeners (though it escaped this listener). Then my daughter noticed that radio stations were suddenly playing versions where "if you seek Amy" had been changed to "if you see Amy" or repeated "ha ha hee hee ha ha ho ho" instead of "if you seek Amy" in the chorus, and she asked me why. And I told her.

So we developed this kind of unspoken rule about which songs were appropriate for 11-year-old girls (and boys) to listen to (my daughter having turned 11 end of May), which I'd rather not go into here but you can guess, and we adhered to it (for the most part). (For the record, we are very strict, probably much stricter than most parents, about which movies and TV shows our daughter can watch, as well as which Internet sites are OK to visit, but we hadn't really thought about what music or songs were appropriate until recently. Sigh. Let me just say, being a parent is way tougher than you think.)

And then came Lady Gaga, real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, that nice Catholic girl from Yonkers. HA!

As those of you who regularly read the blog know, I am a big fan of techno pop/new wave music and really like Lady Gaga's song "Poker Face." So when I heard she had a new song out, called "Love Game," I wanted to hear it. (Btw, you can see the "official" video of "Love Game" here.) But when I happened upon the song while driving with my daughter the other day -- the first few lines of which, which are repeated several times, are "Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" -- she immediately piped up "Mom, I don't think this song is appropriate!" So I changed the station.

But we didn't have to wait long to hear it again. Again, I changed the station. But by the next time it came on, we just left it. I know: Bad mommy. But by that point we both were curious to hear it (call it "forbidden fruit syndrome"), and I figured she was bound to hear it at some point. So I just let the song play.

Lest you think I have utterly caved, though, know that now when the song comes on, before we listen, I tell her in my strictest, sternest mommy voice, "Under NO circumstances are you to go ride on any boy's 'disco stick,' understand, young lady?!" Which makes me feel a bit better (and embarrasses the heck out of my daughter, who freaks out when her mom or dad try to discuss basic sex ed with her, or tease her about boys, forget riding on some guy's "disco stick," though I know this will change soon enough.)

For the record, Flo Rida's "Right Round" and Ciara and Justin Timberlake's "Love Sex Magic" are still on the verboten list, as is the 1987 classic "Boom Boom," by Greek-American hottie Paul Lekakis (not to be confused with the Black Eyed Peas' new hit, "Boom Boom Pow").



*In 1984, when Tipper Gore's daughter Karenna was 11, Mrs. Gore bought her daughter Prince's album Purple Rain. Gore had heard of Prince, but didn't listen to his music -- or rather his lyrics -- and was shocked to hear how explicit some of it was, in particular the song "Darling Nikki." Soon after, she launched a movement, the Parents Music Resource Center, to get record companies to put warning labels on records marketed to children, and even went before Congress. Many in the music industry objected and mocked Gore, who claimed she did not advocate censorship just awareness.

At the time of the controversy, I didn't see what the big deal was. Now, however, as the parent of an 11-year-old female, in an age where you can hear songs called "Birthday Sex" on mainstream radio in the middle of the afternoon, I think Gore had a point and am wondering what the heck happened.

How to get him to stop snoring... or a non-engineer's guide to getting a good night's rest

Tired of your mate keeping you up at night with his (or her) snoring? Wondering which over-the-counter cures work the best? Well, wonder no more my friends. J-TWO-O is now your one-stop-blog for the skinny on snoring cures.

And speaking of skinny, do you know that skinnier people (are you paying attention guys?) snore less than heavier people? Indeed, excess pounds are a primary cause of snoring -- as are smoking, drinking alcoholic beverages close to bed time, and sleeping on your back.*

After doing some -- ahem -- field research, I came up with the following Snore Prevention Methodology Table, which rates different anti-snoring methods/products on a Zzz scale. The more Zzz's, the more effective the product or method was at preventing snoring -- or helping the person sleeping next to or near the snorer get a decent night's rest.

(NOTE: Click on the table to see a larger view.)






















Here's wishing you a good night's sleep tonight and every night.....

*Note: There are also serious medical conditions that result in snoring, such as sleep apnea, but I'm not going to go into that here. Just click on the link to learn more.

This version of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is literally awesome

For those of you unfamiliar with the genre, literal videos are versions of real music videos which have been cleverly dubbed so that the singer sounds like he/she is singing about what is actually happening in the video. Dust Films claims to be "the official home of the original Literal Videos," and features literal versions of A-Ha's "Take on Me," Tears for Fears' "Head over Heels," Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Under the Bridge," and Billy Idol's "White Wedding," all of which are all kinds of awesome, especially if you know or remember the original. (Click on the Dust Films link above to check out the videos.)

Now someone has come out with a literal version of Bonnie Tyler's 1983 hit "Total Eclipse of the Heart," which friend of the blog Larissa sent me a link to earlier this morning. The video had me laughing so hard, I had tears streaming down my face (and the spouse stopped in my office to see if everything was okay).

And now, without further ado, I give you "Total Eclipse of the Heart: Literal Video Version":



Btw, had I, back in the 1980s, known that boarding school boys were that hot, I would have gone. I also have a whole new take on fencing.