J-TWO-O

Memo to the spouse re Valentine's Day

2012-02-02T15:14:00.001-05:00

I have no idea if the spouse is planning on getting me something for Valentine's Day this year. And I would not be in the least bit upset if he didn't get me anything*. But just in case you do decide to get me something, Sweetie, it should positively, absolutely, not be one of the following, which, I am sure some woman out there would appreciate (though I have no idea who you are -- and don't want to know), just not me.

First up, the Hoodie-Footie Wild Style Leopard.

Under no circumstances are you to get me this. Got it, Tiger?

I think you ladies will agree with me when I say WTF?! What am I, eight? Seriously, what grown woman wears footy pajamas -- with ears and a tail? (Hope you didn't have one specially monogrammed for me, honey.)

Thanks, but no thanks, Pajamagram.

Next on the Valentine's Day no-no (or should I say non-non?) list, the Sexy Little French Maid outfit from Victoria's Secret:

While I have been known to do windows, I will not be doing you if you get me that outfit. Comprenez, mon amour? (Seriously, I think Victoria's Secret needs to set up a "Mistress" and/or "Role-Playing" section on their website.)

Finally, while I love a good hard salami, I do not want to get one for Valentine's Day, even if you throw in flavored cheese and fudge.

Okay, I believe my work here is done.

*Though a little dark chocolate mousse or a moist piece of chocolate cake with raspberry filling would be nice.

Which Super Bowl XLVI car ad will win?

2012-02-01T13:31:00.001-05:00

Forget Giants vs. Patriots, this Super Bowl (XLVI), it's all about Volkswagen vs. Acura (and Audi).

Capitalizing on last year's uber successful Darth Vader Super Bowl ad, titled "The Force," Volkswagen now gives us "The Dog Strikes Back," advertising the new and improved (?) Volkswagen Beetle. (Be sure to watch it all the way through to see the Star Wars connection.)

Personally, I think the ad is nowhere near as entertaining as "The Force" (which featured the same or a similar dog, being accosted by Little Lord Vader)...

or even its "Bark Side" teaser:

But I don't think the ad for the new Acura NSX, titled "Transactions" and featuring Jerry Seinfeld (never got him, never will)...

or Audi's "Vampire Party" ad...

is any funnier. (Seriously, vampires are so last year.)

So which ad(s) do you like? And would you buy one of these cars based on the ad? (I hate the Jerry Seinfeld Acura NSX ad, but I totally want that car. ) Leave me a comment.

UPDATED: How could I have left out Honda's ad for its new and improved (?) CR-V featuring Matthew Broderick?! Friends, I believe we have a clear winner after all. (And I may need to be tested for early onset dementia.)

Giants vs. Patriots: Which team has the better moves?

2012-01-31T13:32:00.000-05:00

And by "moves," I am, of course, referring to touchdown moves.

Going head to head this Super Bowl Sunday are...

New York Giants' wide receiver Victor Cruz, he of the hip-swiveling "Touchdown Salsa" dance:

and fellow wide receiver Hakeem Nicks, aka Mr. "Dirty Bird":

vs. New England Patriots' tight end Rob Gronkowski, with his special brand of spiking the football now known as "Gronking":

Personally, my money is on future Dancing with the Stars disco ball trophy winner Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks -- and the Giants.

Matthew Broderick's Day Off (Honda 2012 Super Bowl ad)

2012-01-30T10:30:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah.

Honda's 2012 Super Bowl ad for it's "all new" CR-V, featuring Matthew Broderick as a grown-up Ferris Bueller, is brilliant.

What do you all think? Anyone...? Anyone...?

(I haven't counted all the Ferris Bueller's Day Off references and quotes, but there have got to be at least a dozen. I personally like when the valet calls out "Broderick...? Broderick...? Though it would have been funnier if Honda had gotten Ben Stein to play the valet.)

If you give a kid a tablet...

2012-01-28T15:02:00.004-05:00

You want to know why Americans today feel poorer than their parents? It's because there is so much more crap we feel compelled to buy, which is putting us in debt and/or making us feel poor.

Just think about the number of gadgets the average family (two adults, two kids) feels it is "necessary" to have these days -- vs. our parents' generation (for those of us over 35):

Now	Then
Satellite radio	Transistor radio (AM, FM)
A television in every room	A television in every home
Cable (or satellite or "phone company" TV)	Rabbit ears
Premium channels (HBO, Showtime, etc.)	ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS
DVR	Sh*t out of luck
Computers (typically two or more)	The library, an encyclopedia, a calculator (or pencil and paper)
Smart phones -- and texting and data plans	Party lines -- and yelling out the window
Wii/Xbox 360 + games	Stickball, riding your bike up and down the street
iPads	Drawing pads, board games

You add up all those things and that's thousands of dollars we are spending, each year. (The spouse and I did the math.) And all so we can, what? Watch the Super Bowl on a 60-inch plasma HDTV? Buy sh*t on eBay we don't really need? Play games at work? Drunk text semi-nude pictures of ourselves? Brag about where we are having dinner or are staying on vacation on Facebook?

And does your 3-year-old really need her own special kid-friendly $479 tablet?! (Apparently the people at VINCI think so.)

At some point, you gotta stop the madness -- or stop whining about how broke you are.

Btw, lest my Republican friends start reading me the riot act about free-market capitalism, I'm not advocating Communism, just a little (or a lot) less Consumerism.

That said, if one of you does have a 60-inch plasma HDTV and is planning on watching the Super Bowl on it, can we come over and watch with you?

Remind you of anyone?

2012-01-26T11:26:00.001-05:00

Listen carefully, now. Sound familiar, ladies?

Just curious: Why is it we find a hairy, slightly rotund dormouse snoring cute but a hairy, slightly rotund guy snoring not so much?

[H/T CuteOverload]

That's a funny looking dog you got there, lady

2012-01-25T08:06:00.000-05:00

As some of you know, I am a big fan of the blog Disapproving Rabbits. And this (short) video of the folks who run Disapproving Rabbits trying to harness train their new rabbit, Dougal, cracks me up every time I watch it.

I am also seriously impressed, having never seen a trained rabbit before. (Just try getting a cat to stand on its hind legs, or give you its paw, or wear a harness.)

The Early Deer Special

2012-01-23T17:41:00.003-05:00

Oh deer. I knew we should have taken down the All You Can Eat Salad Bar sign....

D'oe!

Deer family, party of three? Right this way.

(The third deer was grazing out of frame.)

Would you like to see a fawn's menu?

No, that's okay. I'll just have what mom's having.

Hey, don't like it? Don't eat it!

(Click on the photo below to get a closer view of Bambi here sticking out his/her tongue.)

[Note: I took these shots on Friday (before it snowed) through our family room window, so as not to scare off the deer. Hence the slightly blurry/stripey/reflective quality of the photos.]

You might be an old fart if...

2012-01-21T10:12:00.000-05:00

* You keep people's names, phone numbers, and addresses in a Rolodex

* You use a paper engagement calendar

* You still pay bills using checks

* You listen to music on a turntable (or a CD player)

* Your camera requires film

* Your phone has a cord, which curls

* You have used the phrases "Kids these days!" or "Back when I was a kid/growing up..." in the last 72 hours

* Drinking alcohol gives you an immediate headache

* You fall asleep before your kids

* You prefer your movies in 2D

* Your idea of "doing drugs" involves taking two Aleve (or antacids or heartburn medicine)

* You quote lines from The Flintstones and/or The Brady Bunch (or pick your 1960s or 1970s sitcom)

* Your email address contains the letters "aol"

* You still refer to Russia as The Soviet Union

* You own a leisure suit

* When it snows your first thought is "my back already hurts at thought of shoveling all that"

Would you pay $400K for this t-shirt?

2012-01-20T08:32:00.000-05:00

That's K, as in $1,000. As in $400,000. You could buy a house with that. Or an Aston Martin V12 Vantage -- with enough leftover to buy a year's supply of regular t-shirts for you and your friends.

But J., you say, this t-shirt is made from 100% organic cotton!

Fie, I say. There are plenty of other t-shirts made from organic cotton that don't cost $400,000.

But J., you say, this t-shirt was made using only renewable energy sources (i.e., wind, solar) "and represents a C02 reduction of 90% compared to traditional t-shirt production."

That's very nice, I say, but $400,000... for a t-shirt?! Puh-lease.

But J., you say, the t-shirt has 16 diamonds, each weighing over a carat!

To which I would reply, well, that explains why it's the world's most expensive t-shirt, but WTF would anyone put 16 diamonds on a t-shirt?! Are you effing crazy? The first time you washed that sucker, at least one of those diamonds is going to come off -- and no way am I entrusting that baby to a dry cleaner. (Also, I bet it loses its shape in the wash and/or shrinks.)

But what really bugs me? For $400,000, you'd think they could have designed a more attractive, flattering t-shirt.

Btw, the t-shirt is for real -- and you can find out more about it, and order one, by clicking the link above.

On a related note, if this t-shirt had been around 26 years ago, do you think Paul Simon would have changed the name of the song to "Diamonds on the Front of her T"?

The heart of rock 'n' roll is still beating

2012-01-18T19:06:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but I've been thinking a lot about Huey Lewis (and the News) lately. (Midlife crisis/1980s nostalgia? Or perhaps it was seeing him on Hot in Cleveland the other day, if only for a minute.) Anyway, do you really need a reason to listen to Huey Lewis and the News?

[One of my favorite 1980s memories is going to see/hear Huey Lewis and the News in concert, outside, on the Miller High Life pier, one summer. I don't remember much about the concert as I probably had one Miller High Life too many, and I have a vague memory of having to go see a doctor the next day as I couldn't hear anything, having sat way too close to the speakers or something. Anyway...]

Following are video clips of some of my Huey Lewis and the News favorites (presented in no particular order).

First up, "I Want a New Drug." Words to live by.

Next up, "If This Is It."

[Seriously, what is with all the chicks in skimpy swimsuits in these videos? Though at least they don't look like they've had liposuction, breast enlargements, and Botox.]

And last, but in no way least, "The Heart of Rock & Roll."

[Sigh, remember when videos actually had something to do with the lyrics?]

So what was (or is) your favorite Huey Lewis and the News song?

On a (somewhat) related note, against my better judgement, I'm going to attempt to watch American Idol tonight. Here's hoping they finally "discover" an actual rock/pop star.

Why some women remain single + how to fake French!

2012-01-17T12:27:00.000-05:00

In today's blog post, we reveal the reason why some women, despite being successful and attractive and seemingly doing all the right things, remain single -- and provide helpful tips on how to speak French (without actually speaking French).

First up, why some women remain single. (Hint: It's the cat!)

[H/T to friend of the blog Another David S.]

All I can say is, it's a good thing I didn't have the cats when I was dating the spouse. (Though I have had a strong suspicion for a while now that the cats, who spend most of the day on my lap or on my desk while I type, have something to do with the mysterious disappearance of job offers that would take me out of my home office and away from them -- which that video did nothing to allay.)

Next, how to fake French (when you don't know how to speak it).

Merde. Wish I had known about this one before we went to Paris.

A brief Valentine's Day gift guide

2012-01-14T07:52:00.000-05:00

Only one month until Valentine's Day, people! Though I apparently missed the memo announcing that Valentine's Day had been renamed Make a Porno Day. For what other explanation could there be for giving gifts like this "Sexy Little Valentine" from Victoria's Secret:

I don't even know what this is or where one is supposed to where this -- maybe Halloween? (In case you were wondering, the lower bit is actually a thong -- ouch -- and the heart wand comes with.)

Or this little (and I mean little) number from 2(x)ist's Love Me line? (Also, what is it with heart-shaped balloons in strategic places?)

Full disclaimer: I saw the Love Me briefs and trunks on the TODAY Show and was "this close" to buying the spouse a few pairs, until I visited 2(x)ist's website. I love the spouse dearly, and think he's in pretty good shape, but I don't think I could have kept a straight face seeing him parade around in a bright red banana hammock with the words "Love Me" printed across them.

What happened to giving the one you love flowers, or chocolates, or jewelry -- or a vacuum cleaner -- for Valentine's Day?

Obama should hire this Gingrich guy to help run his reelection campaign

2012-01-12T13:27:00.001-05:00

With GOP attack ads like these, who needs to spend money on their own ads, eh, Mr. President?

So much for Newt Gingrich not going negative! (Though I am not complaining.)

On a related note, if you all haven't seen Jon Stewart's commentary on the pack of GOP presidential candidates rabidly attacking one of their own -- Mitt Romney -- after proclaiming the need to stick together, take a gander.

I love when Stewart says "You're mad at Mitt Romney? For God sakes, it's like Mitt Romney answered the Republicans' eHarmony ad and now you're saying it's unfair, that it's not what you meant." Yup.

Super Bowl XLVI prediction: Giants-Patriots rematch

2012-01-09T08:30:00.002-05:00

I realize that the chances of the New York Giants making it past the Green Bay Packers and then the New Orleans Saints (or the San Francisco 49ers) are slim, but hey, a lot of us (me included) didn't think the G-Men would get this far.

And dang if the Giants didn't look good against the Atlanta Falcons yesterday -- beating the birds 24-2! (Here at J-TWO-O Central we now refer to Mario Manningham as Super Mario.)

As for the New England Patriots, while we know their recent playoff (and Super Bowl) record is not the best, I've got a feeling about this one. And not just because the Patriots destroyed the Broncos last time they met.

(In the words of Jesus Sudeikis, from one of my favorite recent Saturday Night Live skits, "If I'm the son of God, Tom Brady's got to be the guy's nephew.")

So who do you all think is going to Super Bowl XLVI? Leave your prediction in the Comments section.

Go Giants!

UPDATED 1/15/12: Giants beat the Packers! Giants beat the Packers -- 37-20! We are one step closer to the dream, Giants fans. (Though, of course, I have probably just jinxed the G-Men.) See you in San Francisco, Giants fans!

UPDATED 1/22/12: OMG, the Giants beat the 49ers 20-17 in overtime! The Giants are going to the Super Bowl -- as are the Patriots, who beat the Ravens earlier today. OMG!!! It's the Giants versus the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI! We may win the football pool yet!

And that's why you shouldn't tattoo your private bits, boys

2012-01-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

Some blog posts just can't be improved upon. So instead of me explaining why tattooing one's penis* is a bad idea, I will let MSNBC.com's Brian Alexander explain it to you. (Just click on the hyperlinked text to read the post.)

*with the phrase "good luck on your journeys" and your girlfriend's initial(s)

Whatever happened to 7UP?

2012-01-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

So the other day, the spouse turns to me and says, "Whatever happened to 7UP? Does it still exist?" After all, you never see commercials for 7UP (or at least we don't), though I'm pretty sure I've seen cans of 7UP at the supermarket. (Which makes me wonder, if a product doesn't have a commercial, does it really exist? I know, too deep for early in the morning, but still.)

So, I Googled "7UP" and discovered that 7UP not only still exists but has its own website, 7up.com. And there's a new commercial with Cee Lo Green.

Which made me pine (or lemon and lime) for the old Geoffrey Holder 7UP ads.

Brings back memories it does.

Indeed, back in the 1970s and 1980s, it seemed 7UP was everywhere (or at least their commercials were). And, indeed, back in the 1940s, 7UP was the third most popular soft drink. But in our highly caffeinated world, where soft-drink makers are constantly manipulating their formulas to add even more caffeine (yes, I'm talking to you, Mountain Dew), maybe an un-cola, like 7UP, has no place.

So any of you drink 7UP? Were you "feelin' 7UP" as a kid? (I did, though I preferred Fresca.) Let me know via the Comments.

Books to warm your imagination on a cold winter's night

2012-01-03T19:02:00.001-05:00

Time flies when your nose is constantly in a book. Between losing power for six days (twice), long plane rides, and being on bed rest for two weeks (due to unplanned surgery), I had a lot of time to read the past few months -- and wanted to share some of my favorite books with all of you.

As per usual, I have included links to Amazon.com (which totally owes me a cut), where you can learn more about each title (and purchase it, if you like). I have also separated the books into fiction and nonfiction, and listed books alphabetically by author.

Read a book this fall or winter you think others would enjoy? Please mention it in the Comments.

File under "fiction":

Death Comes to Pemberley by P. D. James. Jane Austen meets Agatha Christie (sort of) in this genteel murder mystery/sequel to Pride and Prejudice. I didn't love it, but I admired the effort. If you enjoyed Pride and Prejudice and always wondered what happened after, definitely check out Death Comes to Pemberley.

The Paris Wife by Paula McLain. The semi-fictional biography of Ernest Hemingway's first wife, Hadley Richardson, and their life and times in 1920s Paris. Another case of I didn't love it, but I found it interesting -- and seemed an appropriate book to read while in Paris. (Next trip will definitely have to check out the various Hemingway haunts mentioned in the book.) Thought The Paris Wife was well written, just tooo looong and depressing. And Hemingway was a total prick.

Stealing Mona Lisa by Carson Morton. A delightful mystery based on the actual theft of the Mona Lisa from the Louvre in 1911. Filled with interesting characters and images of a bygone Paris. (Was named one of the best works of fiction and one of the best mysteries of 2011.) If you love Paris, art, and/or a well-told tale, Stealing Mona Lisa is a must read.

The Rules of Civility by Amor Towles. As a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald and Edith Wharton, I devoured and appreciated this book, which is beautifully written in the style of those two acclaimed authors. Set in the late 1930s in the jazz joints and upper-class apartments of New York City, it tells the not quite/accidental "rags to riches" story of twentysomething Katey Kontent (pronounced con-TENT), a hard-working, intelligent young woman of limited means and undistinguished background who happens to fall in with "the right crowd."

File under "nonfiction":

Just My Type: A Book about Fonts by Simon Garfield. Having spent the majority of my career in publishing and marketing (and having always had a thing about fonts), I LOVED this book. While a book about fonts could be quite pedantic or boring, Just My Type is anything but (unlike the puffed up, overwritten, eye-glazing The Language Wars by Henry Hitchings, which I cannot believe the New York Times listed as one of the best books of the year -- and I stupidly bought).

Then Again by Diane Keaton. If you love Diane Keaton, chances are you will like her memoir. If you find Keaton a bit too ditzy and rambling, chances are you will find her memoir to be the same. While I did not dislike Then Again, I was frustrated and disappointed that Keaton focused mainly on her (rather ordinary) mother (and to a somewhat lesser extent her unexceptional family and her battle with bulimia) and barely discussed her fascinating film career. Indeed, as Keaton has admitted, if she wasn't a big movie star, this book would probably not have been green lighted by a major publisher. But, all that said, the sections about Woody Allen, Warren Beatty, and Al Pacino are enlightening and worth picking up the book from your local library.

The Dressmaker of Khair Khana: Five Sisters, One Remarkable Family, and the Woman Who Risked Everything to Keep Them Safe by Gayle Tzemach Lemmon. I love a good, explanatory subtitle, don't you? Amazing, inspiring account of women and survival under Taliban rule in Afghanistan. Makes you glad to live in the ole U.S. of A.

And Nothing But the Truthiness: The Rise (and Further Rise) of Stephen Colbert by Lisa Rogak. Interesting, well-written biography of Stephen Colbert, which made me appreciate and admire Colbert all the more.

The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost. As the friend who recommended this explained to me, there is no sex or cannibals in this book, but it's still a good, fun read. Basically the life and times of a twentysomething slacker (and his non-slacker, NGO-employed girlfriend) on Tarawa, a remote South Pacific island in the Republic of Kiribati. Think Paul Theroux with a sense of humor.

File under "romance":

I have been trying to wean myself from romance novels, or at least cut down, but they're like potato chips (can't stop at just one). So if you, like me, could use a little escapist literature, I recommend the authors Lisa Kleypas, Johanna Lindsey, Elizabeth Boyle, and Eloisa James.

Happy Reading!

P.S. For additional/past book recommendations, click here.

Happy New Bear!

2012-01-01T08:44:00.000-05:00

Ring in the new year with a new bear!

Meet Siku*, the unbearably cute baby polar bear....

May your year be filled with things that make you smile.

Still need help coming up with new year's resolutions? Here are some suggestions.

*More about Siku here.

New year's resolutions... for other people

2011-12-29T07:22:00.000-05:00

Forget making resolutions for yourself -- when it's so much easier to tell other people what they should resolve to do!

Herewith, presented in no particular order, six resolutions we wish other people would make -- and keep -- and why there's a snowball's chance in Hell they'll keep them. (FWIW, I am totally guilty of making and breaking some of these resolutions.)

For the woman who needs to shed a few pounds...

Resolution: I will go on a diet -- and stop bitching about needing to lose [insert number] pounds.

Reality check: Who am I kidding? We all know it's much more fun to bitch about being overweight and be mean to skinny people (especially those who had the willpower to go on a diet and keep the weight off) than go on a diet. But maybe if I keep saying "I'm going on a diet" the pounds will magically come off.

For those 40 and over, especially those whose doctor (and spouse) has been nagging them to take better care of themselves...

Resolution: I will exercise [regularly/more].

Reality check: Right, like that's going to happen. Last year I joined a gym -- and only went there to use the showers when we lost power. Let's face it, exercise isn't fun. And who wants to work out at a gym where everyone can see your flabby arms and muffin top and you have to pay money for the privilege? No thank you. Sure, I could walk or run, but that's soooo boring. My idea of exercise? Shopping/Watching sports.

For proud (i.e., annoying) parents...

Resolution: I will stop bragging about my kids.

Reality check: Phhhht. Of course I'm going to brag, when I know my kids truly are the cutest/smartest/most talented ones, which is totally a reflection of my great parenting. Also, they are always doing the most precious/unbelievable/adorable thing that I am sure everyone would want to know about. And they get straight As (or would if they didn't have such mean teachers), and are amazing at [insert sport and/or musical instrument and/or singing, acting, or art], and are always winning some award, making them fabulous role models. But I don't want to make other parents feel worse than they already must feel, so I will stop constantly bragging about my kids. Yeah right.

For the unhappily employed...

Resolution: I will look for a new job -- and stop bitching about my current one.

Reality check: Even though I hate my job, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, right? And what if I hate my new job or they fire me? Where will I be then? And looking for a new job is so exhausting -- what with having to update my resume, and write cover letters, and network. Nope. I'm just going to stay at my current hell hole, and continue to whine, and wait for some fabulous new, great-paying gig to magically find me.

For children...

Resolution: I will clean my room.

Reality check: Hahahaha. Like that's ever going to happen. What are you going to do, mom, kick me out if I don't? As if. It's my room. Why do you care if it's messy?

For Facebook users...

Resolution: I will stop posting my every thought/my whereabouts/hundreds of pictures/my Farmville [or insert name of game] scores on Facebook.

Reality check: But how else can I convince myself and you that my life is way better than yours? Isn't that what Facebook is for? You don't like what I write? Don't read it, or hide my feed. I'm just expressing myself. Freedom of speech. Btw, hundreds of people think I am fascinating.

Want to add to the list? Go for it -- via the Comments.

This is what happens when you ask Santa for a reindeer

2011-12-27T09:10:00.000-05:00

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the Keller's house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Except for a five-foot buck (which sure looked like a reindeer)....

See, kids, this is how legends -- and famous poems -- get started.

Despite questioning by reporters, the Kellers remain mum on the scrap of furry red suit and the ash foot prints found around their chimney -- and where they got all the extra presents.

Hope you all had a very merry Christmas!

The JibJab guys say "Buh-Bye" to 2011

2011-12-22T07:54:00.000-05:00

Buh-bye, 2011 -- and good riddance.

Amazing the JibJab guys could fit everything in in just over two minutes. (And is it just me or does the whole Charlie Sheen meltdown seem like ages ago?)

Here's to a bright, shiny, blizzard- and power-outage-free 2012! (I'd include "without celebrity hijinks, more GOP debates, political rankling, or financial debacles," but we all know that ain't happening.)

What a load of crap

2011-12-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

No, I'm not talking about the latest dust-up in Congress, or the GOP presidential field.

I am, rather, referring to Manure Manager magazine. (Proof that there is a magazine for everything. And yes, it's for real.) It's mission: to help those who deal with manure issues day in and day out make critical decisions.

On second thought, maybe I should send our elected officials a lifetime subscription to Manure Manager, cause the U.S. Congress -- and the President -- could sure benefit from some good manure management advice. Or at least some help cutting all the crap.

Me-ommm

2011-12-17T15:20:00.001-05:00

Start on your hands and knees in a tabletop position....

Good, good....

Center your head, eyes looking at the floor....

Excellent....

As you exhale, round your spine toward the ceiling, making sure to keep your shoulders and knees underneath you, letting your head gently hang toward the floor....

Inhale, coming back to a neutral "tabletop" position on your hands and knees....

And try to ignore the cat sitting on your butt....

Excellent.

You have now achieved Cat Pose.

Me-ommmm....

Out, out, damn uterus!

2011-12-09T14:56:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty sure "emergency hysterectomy" was not on my Amazon wish list, but SURPRISE! I'm getting one anyway. On Monday.

Supposedly with this new-fangled laparoscopic surgery, I should be okay in a week or two. But if I don't post anything for a while, you'll know why.

Think good healing thoughts for me!

UPDATED 12/17/11: Got through the surgery and am in recovery mode. Been a looong 10 days (since I was gripped with agonizing pain), but the doctor says I should be feeling MUCH better by Christmas. Thanks for the good wishes!

Gay and atheist presidents didn't get us into the war in Iraq or the financial crisis

2011-12-08T17:13:00.000-05:00

Love this video from Second City titled "The Partisans: Rick Perry -- Weak, man."

Beware God-fearing vagina penetrators!

[H/T Balloon Juice]

A sugar cereal by any other name...

2011-12-07T08:52:00.001-05:00

Still has a shitload of sugar. So reports the Environmental Working Group (EWG), which just published its analysis of 84 children's breakfast cereals.

Per the EWG report, "a one-cup serving of [Kellogg's Honey Smacks -- known as Sugar Smacks back in my day] packs more sugar than a Hostess Twinkie, and one cup of any of the 44 other children’s cereals has more sugar than three Chips Ahoy! cookies." To which I say, does this really come as a big surprise, people?! Just because Kellogg's changed the name from Sugar Smacks to Honey Smacks, that makes it health food? I think not, but bravo to Kellogg's marketing team! Well done!

FWIW, my three favorite breakfast cereals as a kid, Sugar Smacks, Apple Jacks, and Froot Loops, which were plentiful in my house growing up (though not Cocoa Puffs, which had -- shudder -- chocolate and was thus banned), all made the 10 Worst Children's Cereals list (while Cocoa Puffs did not -- ahem).

Quick aside: I would like to take this opportunity to posthumously apologize to my father, who always said it was healthier to have a couple of Pepperidge Farm oatmeal raisin cookies than a big bowl of cereal in the morning. You were right, dad!

So, what were some of your favorite cereals as a kid -- and what do you feed your children now? (I had a bowl of Puffins Peanut Butter & Chocolate cereal with a little Fiber One this morning, while the kid had Cheerios with banana.) Did any of those cereals make the Environmental Working Group's 10 Worst Cereals list? Let me know via the comments.

The best little chocolate shops in Paris

2011-12-05T07:59:00.001-05:00

So many chocolate shops -- and patisseries -- in Paris, so little time. (Seriously, there must be a chocolate shop and/or pastry shop on every block.) That's why I highly recommend doing a Chocolate Walk and/or Taste of Paris walking tour next time you find yourself in the City of Lights and Chocolate.

We did a Chocolate Walk (with Paris Walks) on our last trip to Paris, in November 2009. So this time we did a Taste of Paris walking tour (again with Paris Walks) -- and made sure to visit a few chocolatiers and patisseries we didn't get to our last visit. My insulin is still recovering. But in the words of Edith Piaf, je ne regrette rien.

Following are some of my favorite sweet destinations in Paris.

With a name like La Maison du Chocolat, it's gotta be good, oui? Oui. And as per usual the truffles, and the chocolate eclairs, did not disappoint. (Bonus: La Maison du Chocolat has three shops in New York City!)

Another must-sample chocolate/pastry shop, Patisserie Stohrer, the oldest patisserie in Paris.

However, my now favorite chocolate shop in Paris is L'Atelier du Chocolat, whose Feuillants d'or (dark chocolate covered in crushed pralines... shudder)... I have no words for (but my mother is seriously going to score major mom points if she brings me back a bag).

And if you like your fine chocolates paired with a fine wine, look no farther (or further) than Saint-Honoré Paris Chocolats & Vins at 37-39 rue Saint-Honoré, the first chocolate and wine bar in Paris. (Quick, someone, get this business a website!) It was only because we had been gorging ourselves for two hours on fine cheese, fois gras, and chocolates that I could not choke down more than a couple of pieces of their delicious-looking chocolates and wash them down with a bit of red wine.

Finally, what can I say about the macarons and pastries of Ladurée (without sighing)? They are simply... heavenly. Sigh. (I lovingly carried back a box of two dozen assorted macarons on the airplane, which lasted but a few days.)

Honorable mentions: Jean-Paul Hévin (see my previous Paris chocolate post) and Pierre Hermé (though we prefer Ladurée's macarons).

[Amazingly, despite gorging myself on rich food and pastries and chocolates for eight days, I managed to lose a pound. Must be something about France.]

Isn't Justin Bieber a bit tall to be Santa's elf?

2011-12-02T08:25:00.005-05:00

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber to stop making Christmas videos
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is...
Not this

Most (all?) of you know how I feel about annoying Christmas music, but this new version of "All I Want for Christmas Is You," performed by Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey, gives Wham! a run for the money. (Also, while I think Mariah Carey looks better than she has in years, Carey trying to seduce the Bieb in a skimpy Santa costume is more than a bit disturbing.)

Please make it stop.

[Consider this an Open Thread to voice your opinion about the best and worst Christmas songs.]

Bah humbug

2011-11-30T13:31:00.001-05:00

It's not even December 1, and already I'm wishing for Christmas -- and New Year's Eve -- to be over and done with.

And it's not because I'm Jewish. (Like many New York City Jews, I grew up celebrating and loving Christmas -- trimming the tree, singing Handel's Messiah, opening gifts.) Or that I am in a rush to get to 2012 (far from it). No. It's because if I see one more Christmas ad (I'm talking to you, Walmart, and you, Target, and you, "every kiss begins with Kay"), or Christmas deal email from some online retailer, or another ad for the movie New Year's Eve (from the people who brought you Valentine's Day! another loathsome holiday) -- and don't get me started about those Christmas music mixes every store seems to have on an endless loop this time of year -- I'm going to start screaming... out loud.

Also, is it just me or does it seem there is more pressure than ever to buy stuff, lots of stuff, this holiday season? (And what's with the pepper-spray attacks?! I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ would not approve.) Shouldn't we give because we want to, not because we have to -- or some retailer plays on our emotions?

And what's with showing all those Rankin/Bass animated Christmas specials in November?! Last time I checked, Christmas was still on December 25. Frosty the Snowman will have melted by then.

You know the real reason bears hibernate? So they don't have to deal with Christmas and New Year's Eve.

...I love Paris in the fall

2011-11-28T15:29:00.002-05:00

Every time I look down on this timeless town
whether blue or gray be her skies...

Whether loud be her cheers or soft be her tears,

more and more do I realize:

I love Paris in the springtime.
I love Paris in the fall.
I love Paris in the winter when it drizzles,
I love Paris in the summer when it sizzles.

I love Paris every moment,
every moment of the year.

I love Paris.
Why, oh why do I love Paris?
Because my love is near.

Mar-cat-ing 101

2011-11-17T16:14:00.000-05:00

Madison Avenue has seen the future. And it is cats. Specifically catvertising.

Fellow cat lovers will agree, cats make everything better, especially ads.

Forever Lazy

2011-11-16T15:53:00.001-05:00

No good can come from a product called "Forever Lazy," which is basically a Snuggie in footie pajama form.

Seriously, Forever Lazy?! Like we need help being lazy?! (I have a hard enough time getting out of my pajamas most days. Now you people want me to just stay in them... forever?!)

If this product winds up being as big as the Snuggie*, you can kiss our GDP goodbye -- and start teaching our kids Chinese, that is if they are not too lazy to get dressed and go to school.

Also, Dr. Denton just called. He wants his blanket sleeper back.

*Fortunately, based on the fact that donning a Forever Lazy instantly turns the wearer into an oompa loompa, I don't think this product will really catch on. Though I said the same thing about Crocs.

Great sex or a great night's sleep?

2011-11-15T08:35:00.004-05:00

Which would you choose? And no, "Great sex then a great night's sleep!" is not an option -- unless you are a man.

Why do I ask? Because the topic of insomnia, especially insomnia in women aged 35-55 who work and have kids, has been much in the news of late. And as a (mostly) working mom between 35 and 55 who wakes up in the middle of the night just about every single night and has problems going back to sleep or doesn't, there is little I would not do to have at least eight hours of peaceful, uninterrupted, non-anxiety-dream-filled sleep. Even give up sex (for a little while, not forever). And apparently I am not alone. Far from it, according to a recent iVillage survey. Though I think the 41 percent figure is way low.

Btw, it's not just women who would prefer a great night's sleep to a roll in the hay. According to a recent Westin Hotels & Resorts survey, 51 percent of respondents said they preferred a perfect night's sleep to great sex. And the majority of those respondents were men.

So what sayest all of you? Would you rather have a great night's sleep every night for a month or great sex (and insomnia) every night for a month? To answer, please take the totally anonymous, informal survey below.

Which would you prefer?

Unbe-leaf-able!

2011-11-12T11:14:00.000-05:00

Fall, I will miss you...

GOP presidential campaign theme songs?

2011-11-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

Every presidential candidate needs a theme song. And after watching (clips from) the Republican presidential debates and reading up on the GOP frontrunners in the news, I would like to suggest the following.

For Mitt Romney, I propose "Stuck in the Middle with You" from Stealers Wheel:

[For those unfamiliar with "Stuck in the Middle with You," here is a link to the lyrics.]

For Texas Governor Rick Perry, I suggest the Britney Spears' classic "Oops! ...I Did It Again."

Oh Perry, Perry.

For the godfather of pizza, Herman Cain, I'm thinking the Atlanta Rhythm Section's "So into You":

And for Michele Bachmann (is she still even in the race?), "Crazy":

Well, those are my GOP presidential candidate theme songs suggestions. What are yours? Let me know via the Comments section.

Jets, Giants, and Zombies

2011-11-07T11:10:00.001-05:00

If you are a Jets and/or Giants fan, yesterday was HUGE. I still can't quite believe the Jets beat the Bills, pretty decisively (27-11) -- and are now tied for first place in the AFC East with the Patriots and the Bills.

And the second half of the Giants-Patriots game at Foxborough.... You needed heart medication to have survived that fourth quarter. That may have been the most exciting second half and/or fourth quarter of a football game I have ever seen. (Shades of Super Bowl XLII? Giants' tight end Jake Ballard even wears David Tyree's number, 85.)

While there were a number of great moments in both games, the Santonio Holmes (wide receiver, New York Jets) - Rex Ryan (coach, New York Jets) body bump, after Holmes scored a touchdown in the third quarter of the Jets-Bills game was particularly memorable (and humorous):

Fat white guys can jump!

And what can I say about the second half, particularly the last seconds of the fourth quarter, of yesterday's Giants-Patriots game that this highlight reel doesn't better illustrate? You ROCK (or CATCH), Jake Ballard -- and Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs! Final score: Giants 24-Patriots 20. Amazing.

Finally, zombies -- which you could pretty much classify me as after spending all day watching football yesterday, and after not having electricity, or running water, or school for my daughter, all last week.

My daughter had planned on dressing up for Halloween -- which our town moved to November 5 -- as a zombie prom queen long before the power outage. However, in light of recent events, her costume seemed particularly appropriate. (I certainly felt my brains had been sucked out.)

Here's to the Jets, the Giants, and to keeping the zombies at bay.

Mmm... Velveeta...

2011-11-04T11:35:00.000-04:00

After six days without power -- or heat, or running water, or school -- my brain is about the consistency of melted Velveeta. Which is no doubt why I find this cheesy commercial for Velveeta Cheesy Skillets so hysterical. Or it could be I've been reading too many romance novels (the spouse's theory).

Anyone else find they have a strange craving for Velveeta... or a hunky blacksmith?

It's Christmas in October!

2011-10-29T13:10:00.006-04:00

Been snowing here since around 10:30 a.m. Eastern Time -- and the flakes they keep coming down (as will probably a few trees and power lines, bleh).

It's like Christmas... in October.

Talk about the ultimate trick or treat.

Happy Halloween!

UPDATED 2 P.M.: Just took this picture of a tree in our yard. Say goodbye to your leaves, tree!

[NOTE: The original soundtrack was 10,000 Maniacs' "Like the Weather," but YouTube said I didn't have permission to use it, bastards, even though I bought it on iTunes, so I swapped in "Winter" from Vivaldi's Four Seasons.]

UPDATED 10/30/11: We lost power yesterday at 2:45 p.m. ET and have been informed by the power company that we could be out for a week. Again. (See Irene, Hurricane.) We're tempted to move out West, but knowing our luck, as soon as we moved, there'd be earthquakes, wildfires, and mudslides.

Say it ain't snow!

2011-10-28T08:10:00.000-04:00

In this house, s-n-o-w is one of those four-letter words not to be uttered. Especially in October. Especially after the hellacious winter we just had earlier this year. Yet all around me, on the TV, on the radio, on the streets, and in stores, that is all people are talking about.

Looking at this map -- 3-5 inches of snow in Philadelphia, in October?! -- makes me want to weep, or hibernate. So much for tomorrow's big soccer Jamboree.

This is what October is supposed to look like:

Not this:

But apparently Winter -- or Mother Nature -- did not get my memo.

Not looking forward to the rest of this year, people.

Ay Chihuahua! (Dog Halloween costumes)

2011-10-26T14:21:00.002-04:00

I've seen some pretty out there dog (and cat) Halloween costumes, but this one takes the cake -- or the tank.

And for those of you dog owners looking for matching mother- (or father)-and-dog Halloween outfits, check out this "Doggie Halloween Costumes" segment from the Wendy Williams Show -- featuring matching Katy Perry costumes and Prince William and that bitch Kate Middleton.

Oh. My. God.

Remember when you knew what ads were advertising?

2011-10-25T10:33:00.000-04:00

So one of my current favorite ads is the Volkswagen ad with the two guys going on a road trip where one of the guys decides it would be fun to learn Spanish, instead of listening to music.

[This ad cracks me up every time -- probably because I've been brushing up on my French and wish all it took was a long car ride to sound fluent.]

The problem is that despite seeing the ad several times, I had no idea which car Volkswagen was advertising (turns out, the Passat). And I was more inspired to buy a language-learning CD than I was a car. Which, if the purpose of the ad was to sell me a car, means the ad failed. (Though, to borrow a phrase from my daughter, it was not an "epic fail.")

Now not that I buy stuff based on ads, but back in the day, at least ya knew what was being advertised. Today? Not so much. While there are lots of witty/clever ads out there, how many of you when you see a commercial remember what was being advertised a few hours -- heck, a few minutes -- later?

Call me an old fart, but I still remember Star-Kist and Charlie the Tuna.

["Sorry Charlie. Star-Kist doesn't want tunas with good taste. Star-Kist wants tunas that tastes good!"]

And I can still sing "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don't upset us," the old Burger King song. (Though I preferred McDonald's burgers and fries.)

Also, all anyone has to do is sing "meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow," and I immediately think Meow Mix!

And I have a sneaking feeling these ads for Dr. Pepper, featuring David Naughton, may have been partially responsible for my Dr. Pepper addiction.

Anyone else a Pepper?

I could go on and on, but I'd like to open the floor to all of you. Which classic ads do you miss? And do you think advertisers do a better job today of selling stuff on TV or not so much? Leave me a comment.

Dog day afternoon

2011-10-23T08:14:00.001-04:00

Been trying for weeks to get some decent pictures of my daughter's soccer team. Finally gave up (sort of) and started taking pictures of soccer dogs instead.

(The field we played at yesterday is very dog friendly. And it was a perfect fall day. Only wish I could have gotten a picture of the opposing coach's bulldog. Love bulldogs. Though these pooches are pretty darn cute -- and would make decent strikers.)

Your Caturday videos

2011-10-22T08:35:00.001-04:00

You may think Al Gore invented the Internets for military purposes, but we know the truth, don't we people? The Internet was invented so people could share cat videos!

And today I am here to share with you two of the latest, hottest kitty videos from the Interwebs.

First up, from Russia with love, "Cat goes to home after shopping." Or as one YouTube commenter described it, "In Soviet Russia, cats go shopping" (which I realize may only be funny to me, my daughter, and some of her friends).

Next up, "Funny Cat Playing Basketball." (Seriously, how do these people come up with such witty titles?)

Kitty got game! (And could also have been a big help to my daughter's rec basketball team last year.)

Wishing one and all a purr-fectly lovely Caturday...

Yet another '80s music blog post

2011-10-20T18:53:00.000-04:00

Some people have comfort food. I have comfort music.

And what could be a nicer way to end the week than some classic 1980s alternative/new wave music? (That would be a rhetorical question, by the way.)

First up: "Make a circuit with me," from the Polecats, which has been playing on the mental jukebox ever since Steve Jobs died.

That led me to the (English) Beat's "Mirror in the bathroom" (technically from 1979 but I didn't hear it until the 1980s).

Which led me to "Save it for later" and pretty much the whole General Public oeuvre. (God, I miss WLIR.) Sadly, I could not find a video for "Hot you're cool." Bummer.

Then I got into this whole Talking Heads thing.

Talking Heads Girlfriend is Better by Celtiemama

(Loved Stop Making Sense. Great concert movie.)

Which led me to the Tom Tom Club and "Wordy rappinghood":

What are words worth? Also, that Tina Weymouth is lookin' good!

I don't know about all of you, but I feel ready for the weekend now.

[For more great '80s music, click on the "1980s" tag, below.]

Things that no longer shock me

2011-10-19T07:48:00.001-04:00

Back in the day, I used to think life was fair, that nice guys finished first, and bad deeds (and bad people) would be punished. Now? Not so much. Indeed, few things I read in the news or watch on TV surprise or shock me anymore. Which is kind of sad.

How jaded have I become? (Just remember, you can't spell jaded without J!) To find out I compiled the following list of those things that used to shock or surprise me but now barely raise an eyebrow.

* Politicians cheating on their wives

* Athletes cheating on their wives

* Celebrities cheating on their wives

* Anyone with a penis cheating on his wife

* Priests abusing children

* Priests (and bishops and cardinals) covering up priests abusing children

* Politicians acting in their own self interest, screw their constituents (and wives; see "Politicians cheating on their wives")

* CEOs and top executives who make hundreds of times more than their non-executive employees, even when the company is losing money

* CEOs and top executives who layoff hundreds of employees right before Christmas and then give themselves lavish Christmas bonuses

* How many people in this country are obese

* Teenage girls dressing (and/or acting) like hookers

* Reality TV (see "obese people," "teenage girls dressing/acting like hookers," above)

* Shock jocks

* Bears shopping in supermarkets

So what no longer shocks or surprises you? Leave a comment.

Occupy Wall Street explained in 60 seconds

2011-10-17T14:48:00.000-04:00

Today marks the one month anniversary of protesters occupying Wall Street (even though most of the investment banking houses whose leaders and practices they are protesting against moved out of the Wall Street area to midtown Manhattan years ago). Yet even as the Occupy Wall Street movement continues to grow, and spawn similar protests around the globe, many (most?) people, including many politicians, are unsure what specifically the protesters are protesting -- or simply don't get it.

Though not former Florida Representative Alan Grayson, who provided this succinct explanation of the Occupy Wall Street movement on a recent Real Time with Bill Maher.

Get that man a bongo drum -- and a seat in Congress!

Btw, is it just me, or does Alan Grayson remind you just a wee bit of Howard Beale in Network -- and his famous "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore" speech, which is just as if not more relevant today than it was 35 years ago.

7 more great reads

2011-10-16T08:13:00.001-04:00

I've been on a bit of a reading tear the past month and read so many great books I could not wait until December to share them!

As per usual, books are listed in the order I read them and linked to their page on Amazon.com. (Amazon should really give me a cut.)

Concierge Confidential: The Gloves Come Off--and the Secrets Come Out! Tales from the Man Who Serves Millionaires, Moguls, and Madmen by Michael Fazio with Michael Malice. If you are look for a quick, fun, gossipy read about the lifestyles of the rich and famous when they visit New York City, check out Concierge Confidential. While the writing (or editing) isn't the best, the stories more than make up for it.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentices: A Season in the Kitchen at Ferran Adrià's elBulli by Lisa Abend. After Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, this is my favorite book about being a chef/what goes on in restaurant kitchens. Expertly written, Abend makes the reader feel like she is behind the scenes at elBulli, the recently closed award-winning, three-Michelin-star restaurant located on Spain's Costa Brava-- and gives you a real appreciation for what it takes to be a world-class chef and restaurant owner.

Needles and Pearls by Gil McNeil. The humorous sequel to The Beach Street Knitting Society and Yarn Club, which I also adored. Parents of young boys will particularly appreciate this funny and touching book, the continuing story of a late-thirty-something single mum who moves to a small village in Kent, England, with her two young boys and takes over her grandmother's knitting shop after her husband, who had just announced he was leaving her for another woman, crashes his car into a tree and dies. While that sounds like a gloomy premise, both books kept me smiling and turning their pages for hours thanks to the author's humor and easygoing writing style.

It's All About the Dress by Vicky Tiel. Another wildly fun, gossipy read. If you follow(ed) fashion and still miss Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, you will love designer Vicky Tiel's new memoir about her wild fashions, life, and time in Paris and London in the swinging 1960s and early 1970s. Heck, I barely follow fashion and am not into celebrity gossip and I loved this book, which made me wish I had a time machine and could sew.

Lord Langley Is Back in Town by Elizabeth Boyle. Finally, a good bad romance novel*! Woohoo! Stumbled across this one in the New Arrivals section of my local library. (Hard to avoid those six-pack abs staring out at me -- though did early 19th-century lords really have six-pack abs? I find it a bit hard to believe. But anyway....) A great bit of froth set in early 19th century London. (Is it just me or do the majority of historical romance novels take place in early 19th century London and the English countryside?) If you are looking for a fun, romantic read -- that is not too chaste and decently written with good characters -- I highly recommend Elizabeth Boyle.

Bossypants by Tina Fey. "I can't believe you're reading that," said the spouse when he saw me with Tina Fey's memoir. (I have a total sour grapes/roll the eyes thing about successful working mothers who write memoirs about how you too can have it all, completely ignoring the fact that they have parents and staffs of people taking care of their children and cooking and cleaning and driving so they can have these wonderful careers.) But I gotta admit, I really liked it -- at least the first two thirds, before she started quoting scenes from 30 Rock and discussing her guilt about not breast feeding, having a "babysitter" (i.e., nanny), and whether or not to have a second kid.

Dolci di Love by Sarah-Kate Lynch (author of House of Daughters, another favorite of mine). A forty-something couple who have lost their way. A bunch of old, well-meaning Italian busy-bodies/matchmakers. A magical Tuscan village. Heavenly sounding biscotti and gelato. And a romance rekindled. What's not to like? I smiled, I cried, I could not put this book down. (Seriously, I could not put it down. Read it in practically one sitting, which says a lot.)

To see more/former book recommendations, click here (or on the BOOK NOOK tag, below).

*I read some Georgette Heyer, at the suggestion of reader MaryRC, but was not a fan. Sorry Mary!

Her bulldog is smarter than your honor student

2011-10-14T08:43:00.000-04:00

Meet Gabe, the wonder bulldog.

Pretty impressive, no?

No way you'd catch one of our cats fetching milk (or anything, for that matter).

More about Gabe the bulldog here.

And now a word about romance novels

2011-10-12T08:18:00.000-04:00

Or as I like to call them, fairy tales for big girls.

For some reason, ever since we lost power for six days, thanks to Hurricane Irene, I have been craving romance novels, specifically historical romance novels -- the kind set in Regency England. And, I am only somewhat embarrassed to say, I have now read around a half dozen such novels, by several authors (though not the two books whose covers I have featured here).

Now I know one shouldn't take these things (i.e., romance novels) too seriously, but I was shocked -- shocked, I say! -- to discover how incredibly fantastic (as in remote from reality -- though of extraordinary size would also be an accurate description, at least of some things, ahem) some of these tales were.

Herewith my shocking findings about historical romance novels (and, no doubt, more contemporary ones, too).

Fact 1: There are no flat-chested or plain-looking heroines (i.e., people like me getting swept off their feet) in most historical romance novels. While I may have thick, wavy hair the color of chestnuts and lovely green eyes fringed with dark lashes, my otherwise average countenance, diminutive breasts (which I have yet to hear described as "full, round, and luscious, ready to spill out of her gown") and sagging derriere, or buttocks (which likewise has yet to be described as "enticingly plump yet firm," at least anywhere I've heard about), I fear, pretty much disqualify me from being the heroine of, object of affection in, or cover model for any romance novel. (I am now throwing myself onto my settee, heaving tears of regret and longing.)

Fact 2: Apparently aristocrats had personal trainers back in the day and those dungeons were in actuality fully-equipped workout gyms. For how else could you possibly explain all the male heroes in these novels -- dukes, earls, and lords, almost all of whom are in their late 30s or early 40s -- having such hard, taut chests and fine muscular arms whose solid thighs (and, uh, other things) nicely filled out their breeches? (Unless they were gay. Which, come to think of it....)

Fact 3: There is no such thing as male pattern baldness in historical romance. (See "Women with small breasts and plain faces.") Not only have these forty-something pillars of masculinity been working out with Jack LaLanne, they are all clearly members of the Hair Club for Men, for how else can you explain the head of thick, luxurious hair which complements their chiseled jaws, green eyes the color of a storm-tossed sea, and six-pack abs?

Fact 4: To properly seduce a man, you must be a lady in public and a whore in the boudoir. (Actually, that one rings true, at least today.)

Fact 5: I am pretty sure snuff was the early 19th century term for Cialis or Viagra (at least in romance novels). For how else can you explain the ability of a forty- (or fifty-) something gentleman (who, more often than not, is no gentleman) to pleasure his lady, repeatedly, all night? Also, I find it amusing that in all of these novels, the "hero" knows exactly how to pleasure his lady, so that she is sighing with delight at the mere touch of his strong, knowing fingers. And, of course, he only takes his pleasure after she has taken hers. Uh huh. (On the plus side, I much prefer the term manhood to penis.)

So, what do you think, people, time for me to pen my first romance novel?

World's geekiest app?

2011-10-10T10:57:00.000-04:00

Alternate titles: "Apps that go BOOM!" "An app only a physicist could love?"

"Want to find out how to Hunt the Higgs Boson using your phone? Ever wondered how the Large Hadron Collider experiments work, and what the collisions look like?"

If you answered "yes" to either or both questions, then have I got an app for you!

Introducing LHSee for the Android (click on the link to read the, to me, hysterical user reviews) -- a new free app for those of you who, like me, are obsessed with the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the giant particle accelerator (or as Gail Collins and I like to refer to it, the Life-Extinguishing Black-Hole Maker) located under the border of France and Switzerland*.

Not only is the new LHSee app educational, but, and I quote, "the application allows you to interact with the collision events in full 3D graphics." (I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds kind of painful.) You can also test your knowledge of physics by playing the Hunt the Higgs game!

Btw, the app is categorized under "E," for Entertainment -- or End of days, depending on your point of view. And you can find out more about how it was created here.

*For those non-physicists in the audience, I have included this helpful video which explains what the Large Hadron Collider does in rap form. Enjoy.

The trouble with kittens

2011-10-08T07:21:00.003-04:00

Nothing like introducing the new kitten to the resident cat.

This latest "Simon's Cat," titled "Double Trouble," brings back memories, it does.

Wishing one and all a happy Caturday.

Boys will be boys

2011-10-06T14:28:00.000-04:00

All of you who have a little brother -- or whose younger child is a boy* -- will relate to this video, titled "Smack that -- Little brother video bombs sister."

Little bro got some moves (and a sore behind, methinks)!

Smack that, indeed.

*Don't share this video with Bryan, Dave S.

Does your guy think he's a Mr. Fixit?

2011-10-04T09:38:00.000-04:00

There is a reason (actually several) why shows like Home Improvement and The Red Green Show were so popular. There is nothing like a handy man.

(We once had a carpenter who used to like to quote Red Green: "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy" -- or find you a good handy man, as I would add.)

Indeed, there is something incredibly attractive about a guy who knows how to fix stuff -- the right way (and then cleans up after himself). And there is something incredibly hysterical about a guy who thinks he can fix stuff -- and totally screws it up (unless he happens to be your husband and now you have three inches of water on your kitchen floor and can't use the sink). Which is why I find the new Owens Corning EcoTouch commercial so incredibly funny.

Remind you of anyone you know, ladies?

(While the spouse is very handy when it comes to fixing computers, no way am I letting him insulate the house. I don't care how easy Owens Corning claims it is.)

They don't make weekend cartoons like they used to

2011-10-02T09:31:00.000-04:00

Remember H.R. Pufnstuf...

(The show was a little too trippy for me, but I know I watched.)

Sigmund and the Sea Monsters...

(Loved Sigmund. Also, is it just me or was Johnny Whitaker the Joe Jonas or Sean Cassidy of the early 1970s? Fun fact: Johnny Whitaker was the original Scotty Baldwin on General Hospital.)

and Josie and the Pussycats?

(I was really into Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space. Also, did you know Casey Kasem was the voice of Alexander Cabot III and that Cheryl Ladd was Melody's singing voice?)

Sigh. They don't make cartoons like they used to. (Though I'm not sure that's a bad thing.)

So, what cartoons do you remember watching growing up?

Could someone please silence my rooster?!

2011-09-30T08:44:00.003-04:00

Ever wake up in the middle of the night -- and just can't fall back to sleep, like this chick?

[To see the short commercial -- of a woman being awakened in the middle of the night by a rooster, who then follows her to work -- click on where it says "YouTube." You will then be able to watch the clip on YouTube.]

Happens to me all the time, but not usually five days in a row, and it's killing me. (And no amount of meditating or breathing exercises seems to work. As soon as something wakes me -- hi honey! -- my brain clicks into gear and I cannot silence that darn rooster.)

I'd try medication, but after hearing all those disclaimers (which make up most of those ads you hear for Ambien and Lunesta), I'm pretty sure the "cure" is worse than the problem.

So, any ideas, people?

And The Best Use of Coors Light Award goes to...

2011-09-27T13:18:00.003-04:00

During Hurricane Irene, we here in the Northeast were hit pretty hard. Indeed, that first Monday, 82 percent of my town didn't have electricity (and running water in most cases) -- and many of us were without power for six days. Fortunately, we were enjoying a bit of a cool spell, and the spouse and I figured if we kept our refrigerator and freezers closed, and added ice, our food would be okay for a couple of days, maybe more.

But after a couple of days, even if you put your perishables in a cooler filled with ice, you begin to wonder, is my food really being kept cold?

Sure, sure, you can check the temperature with a thermometer. But what fun would that be? Also, it's really hard to read a thermometer in the dark.

Fortunately, you don't need a thermometer. That is, you have a bottle or can of Coors Light with Super Cold Activation!

True story: While listening to the local radio station a few days after the storm, a woman called in saying she had a great easy tip for knowing if your food was being kept cold during a power loss. Her tip? Insert a Coors Light with Super Cold Activation into a cooler with ice and periodically check it. If the SUPER COLD and COLD strips are blue, your food is okay. If not, you need to add more ice.

She also recommended having at least a six-pack of Coors Light around, in case you had more than one cooler -- and a six-pack of a beer you would actually want to drink, in the event you got thirsty.

The joy of...

2011-09-24T15:25:00.000-04:00

mopping?

I don't care how great the Shark Professional Steam Pocket Mop is. No woman gets that excited about mopping the floor. And I say this as a woman who was genuinely excited when the spouse got me that Eureka Cordless Quick-Up floor sweeper for Valentine's Day.

Equally problematic, at least for those of us who were big fans of the movie Risky Business and still fondly remember the scene where Tom Cruise dances around in his tighty whities (back when we didn't think he was crazy -- just crazy cute), that woman is no Tom Cruise. (Sadly.)

You want women to get excited about mopping, Shark people? Show some really hot guy mopping the floor.

Nicely done, Pine-Sol.

Book recommendations for fall

2011-09-22T19:04:00.001-04:00

Leafed through a lot of books over the summer, and have included the best of the lot below as my fall reading suggestions. As per usual, I have listed books in the order I read them and linked the titles to the listing on Amazon, where you can find a longer summary, customer reviews, and purchase the book. Starred (*) books are favorites.

Btw, I am still looking for a book that will make me laugh (that is not written by Chelsea Handler, of whom I am not a fan) -- that is also well written with well formed characters. Bonus points if it also contains a little (or a lot) of romance.

Some Girls: My Life in a Harem by Jillian Lauren. Nineteen-year-old aspiring actress (and call girl) from New Jersey takes a gig in Brunei -- and discovers she's part of a modern-day harem. Not your grandmother or mother's harem story. Or maybe it is. (Never been in a harem. Not sure about my mom, though, who was a model back in the day. Hi mom!) Considering the crummy jobs and pay I've had, harem girl didn't seem like a bad way to go. Amusing.

What the Dog Saw and Other Adventures by Malcolm Gladwell. A collection of Gladwell's New Yorker pieces. All thought provoking. Learned a lot from reading this (about dogs and their owners, hair color, ketchup, investing, Ron Popeil, the pill, and more).

The Piano Teacher by Janice Y.K. Lee. A beautifully written novel about two British ex-pats in Hong Kong who wind up having an affair, a wealthy Chinese couple, and life in pre- and post-World War II Hong Kong.

The Reef by Edith Wharton. A book about morality and class and duty, set in England and France -- i.e., pretty typical Edith Wharton.

Still Life by Louise Penny. A well-written mystery that takes place in the fictional village of Three Pines in Quebec. The writing and the detective, Chief Inspector Armand Gamache of the Montreal Surete, reminded me of Agatha Christie (whom I adored). If you enjoy mysteries, check out Still Life -- and its many sequels.

How Elizabeth Barrett Browning Saved My Life by Mameve Medwed. For Antiques Roadshow fans, flea market goers, and anyone who has ever felt lost and horribly wronged and finally got it right.

*Sisters of Fortune: America’s Caton Sisters at Home and Abroad by Jehanne Wake. A fascinating, eloquently-written biography about four extraordinary American sisters -- 19th-century landed heiresses and the granddaughters of Charles Carroll of Carrollton (Maryland), one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence -- who take London (and Paris) by storm in the early to mid 1800s. Highly recommend (as did the New York Times Book Review).

*The American Heiress by Daisy Goodwin. If you enjoy Edith Wharton (and/or Henry James), you will enjoy reading The American Heiress, the fictional story of one Cora Cash, American heiress to a flour fortune, who marries an English duke. The story takes place in Newport, New York, and England in the 1890s, and despite the book's length (around 440 pages), I found it to be a quick and enjoyable read.

I also read several "historical romance" novels -- by candlelight -- during the six days we were without electricity (thanks to Hurricane Irene), none of which I'd recommend, though they helped me pass the time. Just curious: Is there such a thing as a non-formulaic, well-written romance novel or romantic work of historical fiction? 'Cause I have yet to come across one.

In addition, I read the much ballyhooed memoir by chef Gabrielle Hamilton, Blood, Bones and Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef, which I LOATHED. But if you are a fan of Anthony Bourdain and/or grew up in Manhattan during the 1980s and 1990s and did your share of rebelling and drugs you may like it (as the spouse did).

For more book recommendations, click here (which will take you to a list of all my "Book Nook" posts -- just scroll down).

To let me -- and my readers -- know about a book you enjoyed reading, please leave a comment, by clicking on "Post a Comment" at the bottom of this post. If you don't have a Blogger/Blogspot blog, just leave your Name (no URL necessary) or a nickname. You can also click on Anonymous.

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs...

2011-09-21T12:26:00.000-04:00

before you find your Prince Charming.

Or you can save yourself the time and trouble and Grow a Prince.

I don't remember who gave me Grow a Prince (part of a series of Collectible Magic Growing Things*), but it is one of my favorite gag gifts -- and I keep it near my side always (just in case the spouse gets out of line).

I particularly love the package copy (click on the photo to get a larger view) -- and the callout: "Grows 600% its size!" (Guys, you wish.)

Like the package says, "It just might be a fairy tale come true (or maybe you'll just kiss a really cute frog)."

And just in case things don't work out with the spouse or my inflatable prince, I've got a backup...

Ribbit.

*I may have to get Grow a Therapist.

Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day!

2011-09-19T14:06:00.001-04:00

Ahoy, mateys, and shiver me timbers, it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day (again)! Argh.

For those of you land lubbers (like I -- or should I say, aye?) whose Pirate is a little rusty, there is a free course on how to speak Pirate. (Who knew?)

I have also included this short instructional video on Pirate speak, titled The Five A's.

And for all ye hearties who have Facebook pages, go to yer Profile page, scroll down to the very end of the page, to where the copyright (c) line is, along with the language. Click on the language (in my case, "English (US)"), and then select (click on) "English (Pirate)."

Finally, for you swashbucklers in search of a wench on this day, might I suggest the following Pirate pickup lines?

Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
Pardon me, but would ya mind if I fired me cannon through your porthole?
Well blow me down?
Prepare to be boarded.
They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.
Wanna shiver me timbers?
I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.
That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.
That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there. May I plunge your riches?

Here's to finding buried treasure!

[H/T to Dave S. for reminding me of this important day. Ahoy there, Cap'n Dave!]

Kitten Wars

2011-09-16T14:59:00.000-04:00

Not such a long time ago, in an office not so far away, there lived two kittens....

No doubt timed to coincide with today's release of Star Wars: The Complete Saga on Blu-ray comes "Jedi Kittens Strike Back" (aka "Kitten Wars")...

the sequel to "Jedi Kittens" (aka "Kittens with Lightsabers"):

Clearly, the force is strong with these two kittens. (Hey, they're a lot cuter than those stupid Ewoks.)

Do chicks dig guys with gray hair?

2011-09-15T09:18:00.002-04:00

Contrary to what those Just for Men commercials would have you guys believe, chicks do dig guys with gray hair.

Don't believe me? I've got two words for you: Anderson Cooper (whose new afternoon talk show is creating quite a stir, or maybe it's just Anderson's abs).

Not convinced you say? What about George Clooney, who is clearly not afraid to let his gray hang out -- and has zero problem attracting attractive women.

Granted, not every guy can pull off gray (or is George Clooney), but is gray or graying hair really a problem, ladies? Do you find guys with gray or graying hair really less attractive?

And guys, do you really see gray or graying hair as a problem? (Maybe it's because I watch a lot of baseball and football, and listen to too much sports talk radio, but graying hair -- and baldness -- seems to be right up there with losing one's house, bad credit scores, and possible bankruptcy.)

Let me know your thoughts via the Comments.

You can learn a lot from driving teens

2011-09-12T13:44:00.001-04:00

At the risk of divulging a big secret (and drying up a key source of juicy information), it often seems to me that my daughter and her friends think there is some kind of invisible, soundproof barrier between the front seat and back seat that prevents all conversation from being heard in the front seat, and, as a result, often talk about things they probably wouldn't talk about at, say, the dinner table (which is even more amusing, to me, because I drive a Mini Cooper, not a minivan).

Whatever the reason for their (often uncensored) chit chat, I am grateful for the opportunity it has given me, over the years, to learn about aspects of my daughter and her friends' lives that they might not normally share with a parent (even one as hip as I am*) -- even more so now that they are teenagers.

So what exactly can you learn from driving teenage girls?

Without divulging any personal information (concerning my daughter or her friends), following are some samples gleaned not only from my back seat but from the top secret back seats of other Russian chauffeurs (aka soccer and basketball moms who have sworn me to secrecy):

What music they like (names of groups, lyrics and which ones have the hottest lead singer);

How they are doing in school -- and which teachers they like/don't like;

The latest teenage fashion trends and where they like to shop;

Who has a potty mouth or is always getting into trouble; and, perhaps the most invaluable...

What boys they like, who is dating whom, and what they say to each other (girls will often read aloud texts they receive/send to boys while chatting with their girlfriend(s) in the backseat)

(Note: I dread the day when I hear these girls discussing who is sleeping with -- or performing sexual acts on -- whom, which is hopefully many years down the line, but you never know.)

So what have you learned from schlepping your kids and their friends? Let me know via a comment.

*That would be sarcasm, just one of the many services I offer.

Best ice cream flavor ever? Introducing Schweddy Balls!

2011-09-08T09:50:00.001-04:00

Christmas just came early, boys and girls!

In case you hadn't heard, in honor of the famous Saturday Night Live skit (see below), Ben & Jerry's has just introduced Schweddy Balls Ice Cream, a new limited-batch flavor with a vanilla ice cream base, a hint of rum, and loaded with fudge covered rum and milk chocolate malt balls.

Mmm... balls.

So, will anyone be able to resist Ben & Jerry's Schweddy Balls? I don't think so. Though as the ice cream is a limited-batch flavor, if you want to suck on some Balls, you better hurry. They'll only be around for a few months.

[Note: This clip is even funnier if you only listen to the audio.]

Happy Season's Eatings, everyone!

Good times, good times.

Should a Democrat challenge Obama?

2011-09-06T15:18:00.001-04:00

If the Democrats want to retain the White House in 2012, should they consider running someone against Obama? And if so, who?

I've been thinking a lot about this, as apparently has CNN's Jack Cafferty. Not that another Democrat -- including Hillary Clinton -- would do any better under similar circumstances. (Bill Clinton, maybe, but probably not Hillary.)

But still, like a lot of people who voted for Barack Obama back in 2008, I am frustrated and disappointed with the Obama administration, for a lot of reasons, including not focusing on job creation from the get-go, as well as President Obama's seeming inability to stand up to Congress and letting the debt ceiling debate get way out of hand.

That said, I am not frustrated or disappointed enough to vote for any of the current crop of Republican presidential contenders -- though if a moderate Republican candidate with specific, concrete, actionable ideas for getting Americans back to work, improving education, and controlling health care spending while not leaving millions of Americans, including children, without decent coverage, emerged, I would seriously consider voting for said Republican.

But what about another Democrat? What if a Democrat (or Independent with moderate fiscal but liberal social leanings) emerged to challenge Obama, someone with executive experience, and a solid track record of accomplishments, who wasn't beholden to corporate interests and wasn't afraid to fight fire with fire? Would you vote for that person? And do you know of any such person?

Because I don't have enough to worry about

2011-09-04T12:38:00.000-04:00

Cleavage wrinkles?! Are you kidding me? But, hey, when I see cleavage wrinkles being discussed in the pages of The New York Times and on The TODAY Show (albeit by Kathie Lee and Hoda), you know it's a serious problem -- albeit not so much for us (flat-as-a-) board members of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

But apparently cleavage wrinkles are a big -- or as they say in the bust biz, a Double-D-size -- problem. And not just here in the good ole U.S. of A.

Fortunately, to address this pressing problem, a whole industry has popped up, with products like the ChestSavers' bra, Decollette Pads, and I do not even know how to describe this product called "Kush Support" (pictured above right) -- cleavage porn? And that's not including all the countless creams or cremes out there which women are willing to pay $100/ounce for (or more).

*Sigh.*

All I can say is, I'm glad this is one problem I don't have to worry about. All of you big-busted gals have my sympathy.

And speaking of big-busted gals, if any of you have tried any of these cleavage wrinkle busters, do leave a comment. :-)

This place about to blow

2011-08-25T19:14:00.005-04:00

I know hurricanes are nothing to sneeze at (achoo), but does anyone else think the networks and the Weather Channel are milking this storm for all it's worth? Frankly, some of the coverage is a bit morbid. It's like the forecasters and reporters want this to be a really bad storm, so they have several days worth of news (and devastation) to prattle on about. Of course, if we don't have power, we can't watch the news, but that's another story.

We here at J-TWO-O Central are taking the usual precautions: stocking up on water and batteries/flashlights and candles and basic foodstuffs and making sure our various devices are fully charged by Sunday morning.

So what are you (i.e., those of you who live along the I-95 corridor) doing to prepare for the big blow? And where do you think this sucker is going to make landfall? Leave me a comment.

P.S. What's next, fire? (We already had earth(quake), now wind.)

UPDATE 1: Went to the supermarket early this morning -- and could not believe how empty some of the shelves were. I was lucky to get a gallon of 1% milk! And forget about tuna fish and peanut butter. And the lines! Fortunately, the liquor store was calmer and well stocked, and I was able to find a six-pack of the spouse's current fave beer, Palm, as well as some Chimay Grand Reserve. The spouse is heading out to get propane for the grill later -- and a flat of seltzer.

UPDATED 8/28: Lost power around 1:45 a.m. this morning, even though it was barely raining and the wind wasn't blowing that hard at the time. Most of our town and the surrounding small, tree-filled towns are without power. No estimate as to when power will be restored. Fortunately, we have plenty of propane and water and creativity. The spouse was going to make bread, but now we're going to make pizzas on the gas grill for dinner. When the kid said she was bored, I told her we could always read Bible verses aloud and play board games. Haven't seen her since. Pray for power!

UPDATED 8/31: Day 4 without power -- or running water! And let me just say, reading by candlelight has lost it's romance (even though I've been reading historical romance novels -- just seemed appropriate). And school will not open until after Labor Day -- a week late (actually 8 days late)! And my small business has taken a major hit. But, it could be worse! At least it's not raining in our living room this time!

UPDATED 9/3: Got power back last night. Am now playing catch-up with work. Will probably post something later this weekend.

Screw Calm and Get Angry

2011-08-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hate when people tell you "Just relax!"? Have no patience to meditate? Politics and the economy make you want to scream (or worse)? Forget Stay Calm and Carry On. You need Screw Calm and Get Angry.

Described as "the motivational mantra for the realists of the world," Screw Calm and Get Angry is filled with pithy epithets, such as this little political gem:

"Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right." -- H. L. Mencken

Am looking forward to reading the rest. That is, as soon as I calm down and go buy the book.

Dog as art*?

2011-08-21T08:25:00.004-04:00

Excuse me sir, How much is that (French bull)doggie in the window?

The artist did a fantastic job. So lifelike! The French bulldog actually appears to be breathing! (Click on the photo to get a larger view. Then click the back arrow to return to the post.)

I call zees masterpiece "Dog Days of Summer." Eez very realistic, non?

(A woman passing by wondered whether the dog's name was "Art.")

*Alternate title: Let sleeping dogs lie... in art gallery windows.

The mother of all cat videos (literally)

2011-08-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

It's the ultimate cat video -- about cat videos.

Elvis tribute (favorite Elvis song clips)

2011-08-16T08:56:00.002-04:00

It was 34 years ago today that Elvis Aaron Presley suddenly died. And to mark the 34th anniversary of his death, I wanted to share three of my favorite Elvis Presley video song clips.

First up, "Bossa Nova Baby," from Fun in Acapulco:

Dig those crazy moves!

Next, the classic "Viva Las Vegas," from Viva Las Vegas:

Showgirls!

And then there is this classic scene and eponymous song from Clambake, which I love not so much because of the song (which was typical Elvis movie drivel) but because of the awesome bikini dancers:

Did people really throw parties like this back in the 1960s?

Got a favorite Elvis song? Let me know via the comments.

Gone hog wild

2011-08-14T08:05:00.003-04:00

I love pigs (even the male chauvinist kind). So you can imagine my delight when the spouse and I came across a family of adorable piglets in a nearby hamlet, on our way back from a recent bike trip. (The spouse's reaction to the petite porkers? "Mmm... bacon!")

This first picture I call "Pork Butts," though the spouse likes "Everybody in the Pool!"

This next one I've titled "Hamming It Up," though "Snorf!" would also work.

Next up, "Nom nom nom nom." (Wish I had taken a video of the piglets grunting and pushing each other out of the way to obtain prime position. So cute!)

And finally we have "Bacon at rest." (All that eating and shoving and grunting wears a piglet out. Though I can only imagine how tired the piglets' mother, a thousand-pound sow from the looks of her, felt nursing eight greedy little piggies!)

World's scariest roller-coaster ride? The Stock Market

2011-08-11T17:11:00.001-04:00

In July, Travel + Leisure magazine ranked the World's Scariest Roller Coasters. However, they left out what most Americans (at least in August) would likely agree was by far the world's scariest roller-coaster ride, the stock market.

Seriously, the Intimidator 305 (voted Best Coaster of 2010 by Amusement Today) has got nothing on the Standard & Poor's rating agency when it comes to intimidation.

Oh, and in case you're not an investor in the market and want to know what the past week has felt like to those of us who are, check out this short video clip a passenger riding the El Toro roller coaster took:

(I think Six Flags Great Adventure should consider changing the name from El Toro -- the Bull -- to El Oso, the Bear.)

Any guesses as to what the market will do tomorrow?

UPDATED: Well, we ended the week on the upside -- which probably means we're goin' down on Monday. Brace yourselves, people. And speaking of Standard & Poor's, I enjoyed this recent post over on Rumproast, which quotes an S&P senior director saying who is responsible for the downgrade.

What kind of guy wears this t-shirt?

2011-08-10T09:11:00.003-04:00

So the other day in Washington, D.C., at the National Museum of American History, I run into (not literally) a guy wearing the t-shirt at left, which (if you cannot read it) says: "I am the man from Nantucket."

And I am pretty sure the t-shirt was not referring to the version of the limerick that appeared in the Princeton Tiger in 1902.

Of course being well-versed in limericks, I did a bit of a double-take when I saw the t-shirt -- especially as the man wearing it looked NOTHING like the model above but was rather paunchy, with thinning hair, in his mid-50s, and was with his wife and kids. (At least they looked like they were together.)

Which leads me to the title of today's post: What kind of guy wears a t-shirt that says "I am the man from Nantucket"? Also, what woman would allow her husband to go to a family museum wearing a t-shirt that says "I am the man from Nantucket"?

[Note: Keep those comments clean, people. Especially you, JB.]

He is... the most interesting cat in the world

2011-08-07T08:58:00.000-04:00

They invented yarn... just to amuse him.

The Trevi Fountain is his water bowl.

He doesn't require catnip. Other cats gets high licking him.

He holds the world's record in the high jump.

When he sheds, people rush to collect his fur and make it into clothing.

He is... the most interesting cat in the world.

"I don't often get to eat human food, but when I do... I prefer tuna fish.

"Stay hungry my friends."

A sick idea (this post has humor in the bag)

2011-08-05T10:04:00.001-04:00

Recently, our daughter has been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. (Ah the joys of being a teenager -- and the mother of a teenager!) However, instead of saying "I feel anxious" or "I'm panicking," our daughter uses the phrase "I might be sick" -- as in "I might throw up" -- to get out of doing things she feels uncomfortable doing. And it is amazingly affective, around other people. (We just tell her, okay, so if you need to throw up, throw up. You'll probably feel better. But she has yet to do so.)

So while at sleepaway camp this summer, our daughter went to see a doctor. And the doctor, who was incredibly nice, called us. During their conversation, our daughter told the doctor about her "might being sick." And the doctor, God bless her, calmly replied that if she felt like she needed to throw up, she should just find the nearest bathroom and go throw up -- or carry around a "sick" (aka barf) bag and discreetly excuse herself and go throw up in it. Not a big deal.

Upon hearing the story, which he loved, the spouse went online and Googled "sick bag" and "barf bag" -- and was (pleasantly?) surprised to find thousands of websites offering sick bags and barf bags, as well as a huge market for unused airline barf bags on eBay and a guy who collects barf bags from all the airlines. There are also barf bags for bachelor and bachelorette parties, for kids who get carsick, for pregnant women who get morning sickness, and for people who get sick at the thought of politics as usual. (Who knew barf bags were so popular?)

Among our favorite barf bags...

Lavendar Lulu Vomit Bags (So discreet! After all, why should barfing be ugly?)

The Margarita Party Barf Bags (For that special girls night out! Also comes in "Martini" for you guys!)

TravelJohn Disposable Vomit/Urine Bags (I may seriously need to get me some.)

Toxic Waste Barf Bags

I also came across the Barf Boutique, the go-to website for "funky designer & novelty gift bags made of genuine barf bags and, of course, real barf bags made for barfing." AWESOME.

Whether or not we decide to buy some for our daughter, we have the perfect gag gift for this year's holiday party!

H8 H8ERS (as seen in Washington, D.C.)

2011-08-03T07:24:00.001-04:00

Technically, I saw this fabulous license plate -- H8 H8ERS ("HATE HATERS," for those of you who haven't had your morning coffee yet) -- in Northern Virginia. But I was on my way back from Washington, D.C., where I had passed by the Capitol as the Senate was voting on increasing the debt ceiling. And had to take a picture.

Wonder if the owner of the SUV was a Democrat or a Republican.... Any theories?

(Am also wondering if H8 H8ERS is available in my state.)

69 TOPLES(S)

2011-07-31T15:17:00.001-04:00

Saw this license plate earlier today. Am hoping it, "69TOPLES" (aka 69 TOPLESS), referred to this guy's car, a 1969 Plymouth Barracuda Convertible (which is apparently quite rare). But you never know.

Old Spice Guy vs. Fabio vs. Darth Vader iPhone repair

2011-07-28T07:58:00.000-04:00

Tired of hearing about the debt ceiling? Depressed by politics as usual? Work? All those back-to-school ads in July? Here are some things to make you smile again.

First up, Isaiah Mustafa (aka The Old Spice Guy) goes Mano a Mano against "Italian model" Fabio (Lanzoni) to see who will be the next Old Spice spokesmodel.

Part of me is tempted to vote for Fabio, who is, like, 55? 60? now. (That must be some portrait he has in his attic.) But my armpits belong to Isaiah Mustafa.

Also worth a viewing, this brilliant (albeit slightly warped) video from comedian Mark Malkoff to determine exactly how far the Apple Store's customer service (or hospitality) extends. FYI, the segment titled "Darth Vader iPhone Repair," at 2:02, is hands-down my favorite.

Finally, getting back to our political crisis du jour, here's yet another reason Republicans need to vote on raising the debt ceiling:

And Goodell said, "Let there be football." And there was football.

2011-07-25T19:28:00.000-04:00

And Goodell saw the NFL Collective Bargaining Agreement, and it was good: and Goodell united the players and the owners.

And Goodell saw every thing that they had made, and, behold, it was very good.

And the evening of September 8 and the afternoon of September 11 were the first and second day of football season.

Amen.

I am so ready for some football.

Hope the Jets and Giants don't suck this season.

How to pack for camp like a teenage girl

2011-07-18T08:29:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, the spouse and I took our now teenage daughter to her sleepaway program, which runs for three weeks. And this year, for the first time, I had my daughter pack herself (armed with the packing list from camp). And let me just say, I'm pretty sure my daughter would give Ginger and the Howells, from Gilligan's Island, pretty stiff competition in the packing department. (I read the student manual, and I am pretty sure it did not say "Bring everything you own." Also, do you really need six 8-inch bottles of perfume... at camp? Or eyeshadow? I know: "Clearly, J., you are not a 13-year-old girl." To which I say, "Thank goodness!")

Now granted, this post is coming from someone who has been known to bring only a carry-on bag for a week's trip -- or who can cram clothes enough for two people for two weeks in a single regulation suitcase. But I am not a 13-year-old girl, and when I was approximately her age we all went to sleepaway camp (albeit for eight weeks, not three) with rather large trunks. Still.

So somehow the spouse manages to fit our daughter's suitcase, which could sleep a family of three (I exaggerate only slightly), her laundry basket (which is crammed with stuff, including a fan -- a total necessity as there is no air conditioning -- laundry detergent, her rain boots, a small desk lamp, and a blanket -- again, all necessities), her backpack (crammed with stuffed animals), her beach bag (not sure what was in there -- but I think a neutron star may be missing some of its mass), her small trunk (again, no idea what was in there -- but I checked and both cats are present and accounted for), and the three of us into his Honda Civic Hybrid, and we motor to camp. (FYI to all you hybrid car owners, if you want to see what crappy mileage you can get, try taking your daughter to camp or college.)

When we arrive at camp, it takes all three of us to transport her stuff to the unloading area where a U-Haul truck will take everything to her living quarters -- and then all three of us will need to haul it across the courtyard and up a flight of stairs (or in the teeny tiny elevator) and down the hall to her room. In 90-degree weather.

And then I see him. This 13- or 14- year-old boy -- or rather his luggage. Which consists of one average-size suitcase and a carry-on-size rollerboard, both of which he is wheeling himself. And then I spot another boy, with just a suitcase and a backpack. And another one. And as I glance around the unloading area, I realize that our daughter has a lock on the award for most stuff. Indeed, no one is even close. I am so proud.

Harry Potter: Everything You Need to Know in Just 6 Minutes

2011-07-15T11:38:00.001-04:00

The final Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2, opened today. And for those of you who are unfamiliar with the terms Hogwarts, quidditch, muggle, and horcrux, the helpful folks over at Slate V put together this amusing video Cliff Notes version of the previous seven films, which is must viewing.

So today's question: Are you planning on seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2? And, if so, will a child be accompanying you?

FWIW, I read all seven books, as soon as they came out, but I only saw the first film. My daughter, however, has seen all seven films and is looking forward to seeing the final Harry Potter film while at sleepaway camp later this month.

Cats: three things you didn't know

2011-07-14T11:37:00.000-04:00

1. Cats can sing -- or trololo (though apparently only when pet in a certain way)...

[A tip o' the paw to Dave S. and his lovely spouse for this one.]

2. Cats are fearless and brave -- and know how to pack some serious heat...

[More interesting, or definitely more amusing, is the Behind the Scenes - Medal of Honor Cat clip. Btw, some of the YouTube comments on both are pretty darn funny.]

3. Cats have an on-off button...

Who knew?

Is your spouse a dishwasher Nazi?

2011-07-12T11:35:00.003-04:00

Per the spouse, I am a dishwasher Nazi, meaning I have a very specific idea of how our dishwasher should be loaded (which I refer to as "common sense, so you can fit the most stuff into it to conserve energy" or "a place for everything, and everything in its place") and get annoyed when other people just randomly jam dishes and bowls and glasses wherever they please. And I am not alone. Indeed, the spouse and I, through years of observation, have come to the (unscientific) conclusion that in most households with more than one person, one of them is a dishwasher Nazi.

For the record, unlike real Nazis, I have never tortured or gassed anyone for putting a plate or bowl in the wrong slot, though I have been known to sigh and cast dirty looks. (Though seriously people, how hard is it to figure out where that plate should go?! Come on!)

Interestingly, in the several other cases of dishwasher domination we know about, it is the man who is in charge (by choice) of loading the dishwasher -- and woe to the spouse or child who attempts to place a plate or glass without his permission, or puts that fork or knife in the wrong side up. (Speaking of forks and knives, we no longer have this issue as our dishwasher has a silverware tray, but do you believe the sharp end should go up or down?)

So, my question to all of you is: Is there a dishwasher Nazi in your household? And, if so, which one of you is it?

[Btw, I just Googled the term "dishwasher nazi" and there are 714,000 results. Clearly, this is a bigger problem than I suspected.]

Support your local farmer!

2011-07-11T11:07:00.004-04:00

When I was a little girl, I used to tell people that when I grew up I wanted to own a farm in Maplewood, New Jersey -- Maplewood, New Jersey, being the most bucolic place I had been at the time. (Whether this desire was a result of watching too much Green Acres or being an unhappy city kid I do not know. But running a small farm seemed like paradise to my six-year-old self.)

As I got older and saw more of the world, the thought of living in Maplewood, New Jersey, and running a farm receded. I was going to be a city girl and run a magazine! But I still liked the idea of growing things, as my mother did during our summer sojourns on the East End of Long Island.

So imagine my excitement when, finally, 11 years ago, the spouse and I moved to a house with a big yard, seemingly perfect for a vegetable and flower garden! And imagine my keen disappointment when one neighbor after another warned me not to bother planting a garden as the deer and/or other critters would make quick work of whatever vegetables and flowers we grew. (And yes, we thought of getting a deer fence, but that did not deter deer and burrowing critters from ruining our neighbor's garden. And frankly, gardening seemed like an awful lot of thankless work, especially with a job and a young child to look after.)

Fortunately, every summer I can get a vicarious farming thrill (picking the fruits -- and veggies -- of someone else's labor!) by visiting Quail Hill Farm (where the first two pictures, below, were taken), where my stepfather, a member, takes my daughter (and me) picking whenever we visit. And this year, as an added bonus, our friend, Carissa, a truly gifted baker who just started Carissa's Breads, is selling her breads (pictured below) and muffins and pies at Quail Hill Farm on picking days.

And now there is yet another organic farm in town (that is my stepfather's town) for us to visit, Amber Waves Farm, which grows and mills its own wheat* (see pictures, below), as well as many wonderful vegetables (like squash and zucchini and rainbow kale and garlic) and herbs.

Walking around Amber Waves Farm with co- founder/farmer Katie Baldwin (her partner, Amanda Merrow, spent most of the time weeding) really made us appreciate the value of local farms -- and how much work and love and passion farming takes. Indeed, I have a whole new appreciation for farming after this weekend, and will be patronizing our local farmer's markets more often.

So if you want to truly invest in America, support your local farm(er) -- either through Community Supported Agriculture (CSAs), by visiting your local farmer's market, or buying locally grown produce!

*and now hops, which it plans to sell to local microbreweries! Mmm... beer.

Do you know my good friend, Tina Fey?

2011-07-09T09:34:00.001-04:00

So last night at dinner my mother and stepdad are telling this story about their friend and neighbor "Alec," who was seated next to my mom at a recent dinner party. After politely chatting with a handful of female admirers, he turns to my mother (whom he has known for years) and asks her where she's from. And she says "a suburb of Philadelphia." Alec presses her for the name. She tells him, and Alec says, "I have a good friend from around there, Tina Fey!" (I will let you all guess who "Alec" is.) Only in the Hamptons...

Would it kill you to pre-treat your laundry?

2011-07-06T15:26:00.001-04:00

Or change a roll of toilet paper?

But getting back to today's subject -- pre-treating one's laundry.

I don't mind doing the laundry. Really. But it really pisses me off when, after I tell the spouse or kid to "pre-treat that really nasty stain," they totally ignore me and just throw whatever it is in the hamper -- and I wind up washing it and drying it and then when I'm about to fold it see that the stain or (more typically) stains have now set in and the shirt or pants are probably done for. Sigh.

Anyone else have this problem? Or a solution?

On a related note, I wonder if you can still buy Calgon water softener....

When the Mets beat the Yankees at Citi Field

2011-07-05T07:50:00.000-04:00

As many of you know, I am a huge fan of the New York Mets. And this Sunday the spouse and I attended our first game of the season at Citi Field, where the Mets were hosting the ~~Evil Empire~~ New York Yankees.

I was a little nervous about attending the game as thunderstorms had been predicted, we were leaving our teenage daughter home alone, and the Mets had lost the previous two games to the Yankees. But fortunately my fears (on all three counts) were for naught. And despite a 90-minute rain delay (even though it wasn't raining), and being surrounded by screaming Yankees fans ("Let's go Yankees!"), the Mets ("Yankees SUCK!*") and I did just fine, though we both had our moments.

Indeed, the July 3 Yankees-Mets game at Citi Field was one of the most exciting baseball games I have ever attended, and not just because the Mets managed to win the ballgame 3-2 in the bottom of the 10th inning (though that played a large part).

I also managed to capture some rather unusual photos during the game, including...

proof that Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod) walks on air (even when he strikes out)...

Here's a closeup:

(Who knew steroids -- or was it Cameron Diaz? -- could get you high?)

Mr. Met, the New York Mets' mascot, shooting up (t-shirts, that is)...

as well as a fan giving Mr. Met a big hand (literally).

And two lovebirds watching the last innings of the Mets-Yankees game:

*While I am sure Red Sox fans agree with this sentiment, the Yankees, at least in terms of the MLB standings, do not suck in the least and, in fact, are in first place in the American League East. This was merely what us poor trod upon Mets fans shouted each time those obnoxious Yankees fans shouted "Let's go Yankees!"

A little Fourth of July music

2011-07-03T20:40:00.000-04:00

I love John Philip Sousa and the Boston Pops as much as the next gal, but I'm tired of hearing the same old patriotic ditties year after year. So this year I'm offering up some alternative Fourth of July music.

First, I highly recommend Schoolhouse Rock's "Fireworks," which is both fun and educational!

Next, give a listen to Josh Turner's "Firecracker."

(I like American Idol's Scotty McCreery, but he's no Josh Turner.)

And (at least for me) it wouldn't be July 4th without a little "Afternoon Delight," a song that I will forever associate with my first summer at sleepaway camp and July 4th (and, more recently, the movie Anchorman and glee).

Finally the late great James Cagney singing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" (because I'm a sucker for old movie musicals).

So what do you like to listen to on the Fourth of July?

(Here's what Michael Behrenhausen of Reverb thinks are the best Fourth of July songs. Do you agree?)

Wishing one and all a fun yet safe Fourth...

D'oh! A deer (and a really cool dragonfly)

2011-07-02T09:33:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, I know deer are giant, tick-infested rodents, but this doe, who has a broken left front leg and a fawn who looks just like Bambi (not pictured) just stole my heart. (In the immortal words of my late father, "Walt Disney screwed us.") And she looked so beautiful and serene resting in the shade of a tree in our backyard that I had to take a picture. (Click on the photo to get a larger view. Then hit the back button to return to the post.)

I actually stood in the backyard for several minutes, letting the deer get used to me, before I took her picture. And it was only when I got pretty close that she stood up and moved away.

Also hanging out at the J-TWO-O spa and all-you-can-eat salad bar yesterday, this dragonfly.

Stephen Colbert, president maker or breaker?

2011-06-30T18:09:00.001-04:00

This just in: the Federal Election Commission (FEC) has given Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert, host of The Colbert Report, permission to officially form his super PAC, the Colbert Super PAC. (Click on the link to make a donation!)

You can find out more about the ruling and Colbert Super PAC, including video clips, here and here.

Colbert will also be discussing his victory on tonight's Colbert Report, but in the meantime, here's a clip of Colbert reacting to the news:

Frankly, I'm a bit stunned, and sincerely hope Stephen Colbert uses his super new powers for good and not evil.

The breast defense is not always a good offense

2011-06-29T08:18:00.000-04:00

Alternate titles: 1) And that's why new moms shouldn't drink and drive. 2) So that's what breast milk tastes like.

What did we do before smartphones and RSS feeds?

So last night at dinner (on our way home from a lovely long weekend with friends), I was checking my email on my BlackBerry and decided to click on my RSS (news) feed when I saw a headline about a nursing mother arrested for disorderly conduct... for "allegedly" spraying breast milk at a couple of cops. Which I, of course, had to click on.

The deal: a husband and his wife, who was nursing, go to a wedding, drink too much, and get into a fight. (Not exactly news.) The wife gets pissed off, hits her spouse, and locks herself into their car and refuses to come out -- while the husband calls the cops. The cops show up and try to talk to the woman. However, and I quote (Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III):

"When deputies attempted to remove [the woman] from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk," Davis said.

[What did she say to the cops? "I've got a loaded breast and I know how to use it!" "Back away, or the little guy gets a face full of titty milk!"]

Eventually, with the help of additional deputies, the cops were able to remove the woman, a teacher at a charter school, from the car (and, I assume, the breast milk from their uniforms) and arrest her, though she was eventually released on her own recognizance after pleading not guilty.

And the moral of the story... ? Let me know what you think via the Comments.

Gone fishing

2011-06-25T08:31:00.000-04:00

Am about to shut down the computer, give the cats a little extra food and water and love, herd the kid, help the spouse finish packing up the car, and head off on vacation for a few days (assuming we don't miss our ferry -- ever the optimist).

Although I have now been informed there is WiFi at the place we are staying, computing (including blogging) is frowned upon. So you may not hear from me for a few days.

So until then, I wish you all a glorious weekend. (Especially to my readers in the Northeast, where it's supposed to clear up and get warmer.) As for me, I'm looking forward to some biking, hiking, not making my bed, and not cooking dinner for a few nights. Woohoo!

I want my NFL

2011-06-23T14:28:00.000-04:00

Ah, summer, when those of us with lame baseball teams (figuratively and literally) begin daydreaming about football. But thanks to a bunch of greedy, spoiled, self-centered millionaires and billionaires, there may be no 2011-2012 professional football season -- or else a protracted one.

And I say, enough already. It is time for the National Football League's players and owners to come to an agreement, so that come September I -- and millions of other fans -- have an excuse to estrange our families and weasel out of chores on Sunday afternoons.

Btw, it's not just the fans who would suffer if there is no football this fall. According to NFLLockout.com, the State of Maryland stands to lose $40 million if the season is canceled. And Maryland isn't the only entity that stands to lose big bucks if the NFL lockout isn't resolved soon. Think of all the restaurants, bars, and sporting goods stores that stand to take a hit if football players don't suit up in the fall -- and all the ordinary Joes and Janes who could well lose their jobs if football players don't do theirs. Ditto all the people who actually make football games possible -- from the people who work at the stadiums to each team's back-office and front-office operations to the guys who operate the TV cameras to the guys who squirt Gatorade into players' mouths.

All because a bunch of guys can't figure out how to divvy up $9.3 billion. (FYI, if you are interested in learning more about the history of the dispute, check out "NFL Lockout for Dummies: Explaining the NFL Labor Dispute in Layman's Terms.")

Now comes word that NFL owners and players have made progress toward a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, or CBA, where players would receive 48 percent of all revenue -- but that an official agreement is probably a week or two away, assuming there are no surprises (which is a big assumption to make). SIGH.

In a week where it was just announced that initial claims for unemployment insurance rose by 9,000 to 429,000, and that companies still aren't hiring, and that housing prices are still in a slump, it is nauseating to hear about millionaires and billionaires squabbling over a million here, a million there.

Still, all that said, I want my NFL. So come on, NFL owners and players: let's sign a deal soon so there will be football this fall -- and less unemployment.

What's worse than the sound of whining?

2011-06-21T11:59:00.000-04:00

According to a new study, not much (if anything).

This finding, of course, comes as no surprise to anyone who a) has flown on an airplane with children; b) tried to have dinner out (at a restaurant other than McDonald's or similar) with children; c) gone on a long car trip with children; d) spent more than a few hours with a child; or e) all of the above.

Indeed, what is amazing to me is that anyone would need to conduct a study -- and got funding to do so! -- to figure out that whining (as well as the sound of a baby or child crying and parental baby talk) is highly annoying and distracting. I could have told you that for nothing -- as could any parent or any non-deaf adult who has spent a few hours with a whiny child (or teen).

Btw, the spouse is so going to throw this post in my face. (Whining, it's not just for kids!)

[To read a short summary of the study, click here.]

Ruffled feathers (aka my swan post)

2011-06-20T19:05:00.000-04:00

While at the annual Father's Day Picnic at my in-laws' club yesterday, I spied two swans and became obsessed with getting a picture of at least one of them. [If you click on the picture directly below and squint, you can see two white dots through the railing of the bridge. Those are the swans.]

Finally, after hours of watchfulness, one of the swans finally floated within range of my Canon PowerShot S95's zoom lens. Only to proceed to groom itself for what seemed like an eternity. Stopping but briefly to catch its breath and/or adjust itself. It was during two of these intervals (as I ran back and forth along the water trying to get a good angle) that I managed to snap these three pictures. I am particularly happy with the middle one.

They may have nasty dispositions, but swans sure are beautiful.

Paradise by the dashboard light

2011-06-18T20:50:00.002-04:00

True story. Make that true pathetic story.

So the spouse and I are driving back from an absolutely lovely dinner, where I have imbibed an entire glass of excellent rose (which is about half a glass too much for yours truly), and we are listening to the Mets game, as we are both Metsochists. And it's the bottom of the fourth inning, the Mets are up and Jason Bay singles and the announcer, Howie Rose, is screaming something like "And Angel Pagan, who had just stolen second base, is rounding third, he's heading for home, and..." and I scream out

Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further,
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I gotta know right now,
Before we go any further
Do you love me?!
Will you love me forever?!

Which, for those of you who weren't around (or conscious) in 1977, was the bit sung by the girl in Meatloaf's classic "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" after the famous baseball bridge -- narrated by former Yankee shortstop, announcer, and pitchman for The Money Store, Phil Rizzuto -- which everyone in my cabin that summer of camp had memorized by the time we went home (much to the delight of our unsuspecting parents).

Btw, I had no idea -- until the spouse informed me in the car tonight -- that Phil Rizzuto narrated that classic bit. Apparently Meatloaf was a big-time Yankees fan and asked Rizzuto if he would do the honors. (I also wasn't aware that I still recalled the lyrics. Amazing what the mind retains.)

Even better, the Mets are currently up 6-0. Now if they could only get above .500, that would be paradise.

The best children's book (for adults) ever?

2011-06-16T09:16:00.003-04:00

Many of you have no doubt heard about the tongue-in-cheek* new children's book Go the F*ck to Sleep by Adam Mansbach, which is really meant for weary parents. (As a parent of a child who has from nearly the moment she came into the world stayed up later than I did and would scream her head off -- sometimes for hours -- when placed in her crib at bedtime, I can totally relate.)

Now, however, you can actually hear the book being read aloud -- by Samuel L. Jackson. [Note: This video clip is NOT safe for listening to in public.]

Now I don't know about all of you but if Samuel L. Jackson told me to go the f*ck to sleep, I sure as hell would.

Btw, for more great Kids' Books to Read after Your Kids Go to Bed, click on the link (which goes to Slate).

*or f*cking hilarious

[H/Ts to StrangeAppar8us and TLEC]

Books to add to your summer reading list

2011-06-14T11:56:00.001-04:00

With just a week until summer, now's the time to start stocking up on or making a list of good books to read. And I've read quite a few good books since my last Book Nook post, which I've listed below (along with a link to Amazon.com, where you can find reviews and buy the book). Btw, you can find even more great reads by clicking on the Book Recommendations link in the right-hand column (or clicking on the link just a few words back ;-).

Got a book you think others would enjoy, which would make for good summer reading? (I am desperate to find some lighter fare, something fun and a bit romantic.) Let me know via the Comments (or Facebook). Btw, THANK YOU for all of your past suggestions. I have read many of them, as have many of my readers.

File under "non-fiction," "travel," and "serious chick lit" (and "for food lovers" for the first two):

Lunch in Paris: A Love Story, with Recipes by Elizabeth Bard. The title pretty much sums it up. Humorous and touching, and well written, reading Lunch in Paris made me want to hop on a plane and have lunch in Paris. Btw, you don't have to be a chick to enjoy the book, but it helps (as does being a New Yorker and/or an art history major and/or foodie).

Day of Honey: A Memoir of Food, Love, and War by Annia Ciezadlo. You think living in New York City is tough? Try living in Beirut and/or Baghdad. Despite the many hardships she faced, though, Ciezadlo writes fondly of her time in the Middle East and of all the interesting -- make that amazing -- people and food she encountered. A fascinating read.

Kabul Beauty School: An American Woman Goes Behind the Veil by Deborah Rodriguez. Another amazing story about an American woman in the Middle East, in this case a big-hearted beautician whose good intentions (and naivete) ultimately wind up doing more harm than good.

The Discovery of Jeanne Baret: A Story of Science, the High Seas, and the First Woman to Circumnavigate the Globe by Glynis Ridley. Love subtitles. Makes my life so much easier. In a word: fascinating. I am in awe of Jeanne Baret -- and am so glad Glynis Ridley was able to tell her story. Another eloquently written book about an ordinary woman's extraordinary life as the first woman -- disguised as a man among hundreds of sailors -- to circumnavigate the globe, who made important scientific discoveries in the fields of botany and pharmacology along the way, and got zero credit for any of it during her lifetime and hundreds of years after.

File under "non-fiction" and "boys will be boys":

Artie Shaw: King of the Clarinet by Tom Nolan. What is it about musicians? It seems the greater they are at making music, the greater they are at effing up relationships (and friendships and finances). And Artie Shaw was one seriously great clarinet player and asshole. But the ladies loved him, even after they divorced him. A fascinating look at Shaw and the swing and big band eras. If you love jazz, Artie Shaw is a must read.

Moonwalking with Einstein: The Art and Science of Remembering Everything by Joshua Foer. My takeaway: memorizing stuff is really hard work. An entertaining read, which I think my male readers will really enjoy.

File under "fiction":

I Still Dream About You by Fannie Flagg. Another good read from Fannie Flagg, who seems to be obsessed with death of late. This time Flagg's central character is a 60-year-old former Miss Alabama (and almost Miss America) now real estate broker who has decided to end it all, except things keep getting in the way. Funny and poignant with some great characters, though I found it hard to relate to.

Lucia, Lucia by Adriana Trigiani. A great working girl story set in circa 1950 New York, specifically Greenwich Village and B. Altman. (I still miss that department store.) While the writing was uneven, I was swept up by Lucia's story -- which describes what it was like to be a happy 20-something working girl, making custom-made dresses for B. Altman's high society and celebrity clients, and trying to find a husband who would respect her -- and found myself wishing I could travel back in time to 1950s New York City just for a day and a night.

Mr. Chartwell by Rebecca Hunt. A poignant first novel that examines (though that's not quite the right word) how depression, in the form of a large black dog, Mr. Chartwell, affects Winston Churchill as well as a young widow. To quote the author, "Mr Chartwell isn’t just a book about depression. It is equally about redemption, courage and love. And, for me, it is predominantly and most importantly about hope." Me? I couldn't put it down. (Btw, if, like me, you suffer from bouts of depression, you will absolutely relate to this book.)

The Various Flavors of Coffee by Anthony Capella. Loved Capella's book The Wedding Officer, so grabbed this when I saw it on the recommended fiction cart at the library. While well written, I didn't enjoy The Various Flavors of Coffee as much. I guess you could say it was a bit bitter for my taste. But if you like historical fiction (as I do), coffee (ditto), English novels (ditto), with two teaspoons of romance (ditto), you will most likely enjoy this book, which is set in late 1800s England (and Africa), and follows the exploits of an aspiring writer (and sex fiend) who gets sucked into the coffee trade.

File under "fantasy" and "if you miss Harry Potter":

The Lost Gate by Orson Scott Card. For those of you who don't know me well, I was a huge sci-fi/fantasy geek back in the day, at least reading wise. And I still pick up the odd fantasy or science fiction novel when one catches my eye. (Read the entire Harry Potter series before the kid.) And Orson Scott Card's latest, a coming of age story about a young man who discovers he has god-like powers (which isn't entirely surprising as he's part of a family of banished Norse gods), definitely caught my eye. If you liked the Harry Potter series or well-written fantasy/young adult novels, or have a pre-teen or teen who does, check out The Lost Gate.

I also read An Object of Beauty by Steve Martin and Unfamiliar Fishes by Sarah Vowell, but was not enamored of either of them. Though if you were an art history major in college or are into the New York art scene, you might be amused (or appalled) by the Steve Martin book. (As for Sarah Vowell's latest work, about the decimation of the native Hawaiian population by American missionaries, I found it depressing at best -- without any of the wittiness of her prior book, The Wordy Shipmates.)

Happy reading -- and please recommend some escapist fiction for me to read this summer!