Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Bah humbug

It's not even December 1, and already I'm wishing for Christmas -- and New Year's Eve -- to be over and done with.

And it's not because I'm Jewish. (Like many New York City Jews, I grew up celebrating and loving Christmas -- trimming the tree, singing Handel's Messiah, opening gifts.) Or that I am in a rush to get to 2012 (far from it). No. It's because if I see one more Christmas ad (I'm talking to you, Walmart, and you, Target, and you, "every kiss begins with Kay"), or Christmas deal email from some online retailer, or another ad for the movie New Year's Eve (from the people who brought you Valentine's Day! another loathsome holiday) -- and don't get me started about those Christmas music mixes every store seems to have on an endless loop this time of year -- I'm going to start screaming... out loud.

Also, is it just me or does it seem there is more pressure than ever to buy stuff, lots of stuff, this holiday season? (And what's with the pepper-spray attacks?! I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ would not approve.) Shouldn't we give because we want to, not because we have to -- or some retailer plays on our emotions?

And what's with showing all those Rankin/Bass animated Christmas specials in November?! Last time I checked, Christmas was still on December 25. Frosty the Snowman will have melted by then.

You know the real reason bears hibernate? So they don't have to deal with Christmas and New Year's Eve.

Monday, November 28, 2011

...I love Paris in the fall

Every time I look down on this timeless town
whether blue or gray be her skies...

Whether loud be her cheers or soft be her tears,

more and more do I realize:

I love Paris in the springtime.
I love Paris in the fall.
I love Paris in the winter when it drizzles,
I love Paris in the summer when it sizzles.

I love Paris every moment,
every moment of the year.

I love Paris.
Why, oh why do I love Paris?
Because my love is near.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Mar-cat-ing 101

Madison Avenue has seen the future. And it is cats. Specifically catvertising.

Fellow cat lovers will agree, cats make everything better, especially ads.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Forever Lazy

No good can come from a product called "Forever Lazy," which is basically a Snuggie in footie pajama form.

Seriously, Forever Lazy?! Like we need help being lazy?! (I have a hard enough time getting out of my pajamas most days. Now you people want me to just stay in them... forever?!)

If this product winds up being as big as the Snuggie*, you can kiss our GDP goodbye -- and start teaching our kids Chinese, that is if they are not too lazy to get dressed and go to school.

Also, Dr. Denton just called. He wants his blanket sleeper back.

*Fortunately, based on the fact that donning a Forever Lazy instantly turns the wearer into an oompa loompa, I don't think this product will really catch on. Though I said the same thing about Crocs.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Great sex or a great night's sleep?

Which would you choose? And no, "Great sex then a great night's sleep!" is not an option -- unless you are a man.

Why do I ask? Because the topic of insomnia, especially insomnia in women aged 35-55 who work and have kids, has been much in the news of late. And as a (mostly) working mom between 35 and 55 who wakes up in the middle of the night just about every single night and has problems going back to sleep or doesn't, there is little I would not do to have at least eight hours of peaceful, uninterrupted, non-anxiety-dream-filled sleep. Even give up sex (for a little while, not forever). And apparently I am not alone. Far from it, according to a recent iVillage survey. Though I think the 41 percent figure is way low.

Btw, it's not just women who would prefer a great night's sleep to a roll in the hay. According to a recent Westin Hotels & Resorts survey, 51 percent of respondents said they preferred a perfect night's sleep to great sex. And the majority of those respondents were men.

So what sayest all of you? Would you rather have a great night's sleep every night for a month or great sex (and insomnia) every night for a month? To answer, please take the totally anonymous, informal survey below.

Which would you prefer?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

GOP presidential campaign theme songs?

Every presidential candidate needs a theme song. And after watching (clips from) the Republican presidential debates and reading up on the GOP frontrunners in the news, I would like to suggest the following.

For Mitt Romney, I propose "Stuck in the Middle with You" from Stealers Wheel:

[For those unfamiliar with "Stuck in the Middle with You," here is a link to the lyrics.]

For Texas Governor Rick Perry, I suggest the Britney Spears' classic "Oops! ...I Did It Again."

Oh Perry, Perry.

For the godfather of pizza, Herman Cain, I'm thinking the Atlanta Rhythm Section's "So into You":

And for Michele Bachmann (is she still even in the race?), "Crazy":

Well, those are my GOP presidential candidate theme songs suggestions. What are yours? Let me know via the Comments section.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Jets, Giants, and Zombies

If you are a Jets and/or Giants fan, yesterday was HUGE. I still can't quite believe the Jets beat the Bills, pretty decisively (27-11) -- and are now tied for first place in the AFC East with the Patriots and the Bills.

And the second half of the Giants-Patriots game at Foxborough.... You needed heart medication to have survived that fourth quarter. That may have been the most exciting second half and/or fourth quarter of a football game I have ever seen. (Shades of Super Bowl XLII? Giants' tight end Jake Ballard even wears David Tyree's number, 85.)

While there were a number of great moments in both games, the Santonio Holmes (wide receiver, New York Jets) - Rex Ryan (coach, New York Jets) body bump, after Holmes scored a touchdown in the third quarter of the Jets-Bills game was particularly memorable (and humorous):

Fat white guys can jump!

And what can I say about the second half, particularly the last seconds of the fourth quarter, of yesterday's Giants-Patriots game that this highlight reel doesn't better illustrate? You ROCK (or CATCH), Jake Ballard -- and Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs! Final score: Giants 24-Patriots 20. Amazing.

Finally, zombies -- which you could pretty much classify me as after spending all day watching football yesterday, and after not having electricity, or running water, or school for my daughter, all last week.

My daughter had planned on dressing up for Halloween -- which our town moved to November 5 -- as a zombie prom queen long before the power outage. However, in light of recent events, her costume seemed particularly appropriate. (I certainly felt my brains had been sucked out.)

Here's to the Jets, the Giants, and to keeping the zombies at bay.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Mmm... Velveeta...

After six days without power -- or heat, or running water, or school -- my brain is about the consistency of melted Velveeta. Which is no doubt why I find this cheesy commercial for Velveeta Cheesy Skillets so hysterical. Or it could be I've been reading too many romance novels (the spouse's theory).

Anyone else find they have a strange craving for Velveeta... or a hunky blacksmith?